Page 18 of The Naked Cleaner

“Fuck, Louis!” I shout. Yes. Charming, I know.

“Hey, hey,HEY!” He shouts back. Standing up and holding his hand out, like he is trying to protect himself. Thinking I might just launch into him. Which I wouldn’t because, hey. Naked. Not cool.

“Why the fuck…?” I start, but he holds his finger up to his mouth and bloody shushes me like a baby.

“We are going to try something new, dickhead.” He says calmly. Like calling me a dickhead first thing in the morning... afternoon isn’t the rudest thing I have ever heard.

“What?” I snarl.

“From now on, you and I are going to be nice and civil to one another. No more name-calling. No more stupid shit. Be nice to me, and I will be nice to you back.”

“I am being perfectly nice, Louis. If you don’t mind, I have to work and I would very much appreciate if you could just fuck off.”

He just tuts at that. Shakes his head and waggles his bloody finger.

“I am going to make you something to eat, and then we are going to sit down and just chill.”

“We are doing nothing of the sort.” That’s me. Look? I am totally chilled and civilised.

“Yes, we are, because we are going to get to the bottom of all this childish attention-seeking you have going on with Jonas. He can’t always come to your rescue.”

I feel like punching him, and there is something venomous brewing on the tip of my tongue. But somehow, I just sink into the floor. Not actually falling over, but I kind of shrink until I am the size of an ant. All in my head of course, because this shithead of a human in front of me, a naked, very naked human right in front of me, just called me out on one of the truths I don’t like to admit to.

He’s totally right. I attention seek. I call Jonas for the tiniest of reasons. I treat him like shit. Sometimes.

“I don’t.“ I lie, but it’s hopeless. I have already given myself away.

“It’s okay to admit that you need someone. It’s okay to call on your friends when you need them, but it’s a bit shit when there are things you can do to help yourself, and you could occasionally give Jonas a breather. And before you completely start to hurl abuse at me again, can I just, in your defence, say that I know you look after Jonas in return, and I’m grateful, because he can attention-seek and be a drama queen when he wants to. I am fully aware of that.”

“He sleeps on my sofa when he’s drunk. And he makes me talk to his girlfriend when he’s being an arse. I do my bit too.”

I sound like a child. I am a child.

“Come on, let’s hug it out.” He says, opening his arms, taking a bold step towards me.

“Ehhw, dude. Naked!” I squeal.

“Yeah,” he laughs. “So are you, in case you hadn’t noticed.”

Now I cringe, because what the fuck is wrong with me? Have I become so bloody jaded that I don’t even realise that I am bloody stark naked myself?

“No bloody naked hugging!” I retaliate, waving one hand in front of me for safety and the other is holding my junk. Which is ridiculous, because we have been standing here having some kind of naked standoff for several minutes.

“Told you, we are not shagging, nor will we, so just get over yourself. I don’t fancy you, you don’t fancy me, so let’s just hug it out and be done with it. Then I will make you a cup of tea and…”

“No!” I squeal. “No, no, no Louis. No bloody hugging.”

“It’s too late if you think you are getting away from my Weird-Louis bacteria. Let me just remind you that I had a lovely nap earlier, all naked plastered to your back. And you didn’t seem to mind that too much?”

Yeah, now I am blushing and cringing even worse. “I was sick!” Oh. Good excuse Pontus. “I don’t like all this… contact.” I lie.

I loved that he held me. I did. I can kind of reluctantly admit that to myself. Not that I will tell him. I wouldn’t, anyway it’s embarrassing.

“You don’t like cuddling? Okay. No more cuddling.” He winks. Then laughs.

“Look, just go with it. I’ve seen your junk, and obviously you usually walk around naked here at home, and it doesn’t bother you, and it definitely doesn’t bother me, no sexual innuendo implied.”

“Ditto.” I say. Nodding like a puppet. I have no idea what I am talking about.

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