Page 36 of Baking Battles

“What do you want me to say?” Christopher starts.

At least he hasn’t pushed Mattias away, because Mattias is still clinging to Christopher like he’s glued to the man, his brain still not understanding to make use of the tiny bit of dignity that still might exist in his tired body. It’s almost midnight and Mattias just wants to stay here, being hugged. His body being held up by someone else, and his mind able to rest. Just a little. Just a little longer.

“Can I just stay right here? I’ll just stay here, and pretend that you are protecting me from all the stuff I have to explain, and all the things I am supposed to do?” Mattias is full of shit.Fact.

“What exactly am I protecting you from?” Christopher sounds almost like he is laughing. When he clearly is not.

“Myself mostly. I don’t know what the hell I am supposed to say to you to make this make sense. You scare the living daylights out of me, Christopher. I’m terrified of saying the wrong thing here, so that you will get mad at me and leave. Please don’t leave. Please. Whatever I say, please don’t leave me.”

“You are making absolutely no sense. None. I’m not going anywhere. My only pair of jeans are still wet, and I am wearing your very smelly dressing gown. It needs washing, in case you haven’t thought of that. No, scrap that. Just bin it and buy a new one. How long have you had it? It must be at least ten years old. I mean, who wears terry-cotton robes these days?”

Christopher is clearly rambling, but at least he is holding on to Mattias. His hands slowly stroking Mattias’s back. Long firm movements against his shirt.

“Fuck the robe.” Mattias mutters.

“Then talk to me.” Christopher begs. “Just tell me what you want, because I am so fucking lost right now. You want me to stay and you are right here letting me hold you, but if you don’t mean it, you are fucking breaking me. I’m not someone you can just mess around with. I need to know what you think this is, because I am really scared that we are not on the same page here. I mean we are not even in the same book. Different libraries. Miles apart. Kind of.”

“I don’t know where to start.” Mattias whispers. “Can you just stand here and hug me and talk to me for a little while, whilst I try to figure out how to say this?”

Christopher’s hands are still moving. Lazy circles over Mattias’s back as he lets his face bury into Christopher’s shoulder. His own breath laboured and hitched, and he thinks if he has to say what he needs to say, he is going to throw up.

“There is nothing you can say to me that will make me leave you tonight. Just talk to me, Mattias. Matt. I like that. I might call you Matt from now on.”

“I can’t.” Mattias whines into the body dressed in the damn robe. “And don’t. Sara calls me Matt. That’s her thing.”

“It suits you.”

“Nothing suits me. Nothing. Right now? I don’t even know my own name.”

“I’m sorry I kissed you the other night.” Christopher says quietly. “It wasn’t cool. I got myself caught up in my own fantasies, and I just wanted to have something, so I stole a kiss.”

“You stole a kiss.” If Mattias is not careful he might let a little giggle slip, because his lips are smiling, even though his stomach is somersaulting like crazy.

“I did. It was a nice kiss. I always wanted you to kiss me. I used to daydream about you just coming up to me, and slamming me into the wall, wherever we were at that moment, and just kissing the hell out of me. You never did, but at least I got to kiss you. I can kind of tick that off my bucket list now.”

“You have a bucket list?” Mattias’s brain has apparently caught up now and is starting to make his mouth move again. Blurting out crap.

“I do. And you have always been on the number one spot. Just one little kiss from this guy called Mattias.”

“You can have another one. I don’t mind.”

That’s Mattias. And now his face is blushing pink with embarrassment. He can’t believe he just said that. That he kind of in a roundabout way asked Christopher to kiss him again.

“Like a buy one get one free deal?” Christopher says, his voice sounding all happy above Mattias’s head, which is now face down in terry cotton. He can’t. He just can’t look up right now.

“More like steal one, and get one free with a get out of jail card.”

“You’re funny.”

That’s Christopher’s voice, right by his ear. Hot breath ghosting down Mattias’s neck.

“I’m terrified.” Mattias whispers.

It’s the truth. The honest goddamn truth.

“Don’t be scared of me, please. You never have to be scared of me. I will never ever make you do anything you don’t want to do. I just want to be someone in your life, if you will let me. Your friend, or your… whatever…”

Christopher sounds small. He sounds just as small as Mattias feels.

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