Page 90 of Open Water

So, he does. Smashes his mouth right on Lukas’s lips, almost making him fall off the seat.

“Wow!” Max says, sitting up in his seat. “Respect, Dad.”

Yeah. Now Tom is blushing a little, too. Not only did his son compliment him, but Lukas looks like he wants to eat him and that is hot. A little too hot. Which makes Tom eternally grateful he is wearing a coat. Despite it being warm outside. He hasn’t got a clue why he brought the coat. He hasn’t got a clue about anything. His brain is a mess of fluff and clouds and… Yeah. Lukas.

“So, Dad, when you have finished eye-fucking Lukas here, can I ask you something?”

“Sorry, Max, of course. What did you want to ask?” Tom needs to get a grip. Tom needs another kiss. Tom needs. Fuck, Tom needs to push Lukas back against the door of the moving bus and palm his cock through those tight jeans he is wearing and maybe suck another mark into his neck. Tempting. So bloody tempting.

“Dad!”

“Tom. Concentrate.” Even Lukas is laughing at him, being all unhinged and confused.

“Okay. I’m listening.” He is. Honestly.

“Do you remember you told me about this therapist specialising in anxiety and something about some ground-breaking stuff you thought I should look into?”

“Yes. Dr Bente. She’s good. Experimental, but has had good results.“ Tom nods.

“Can you make me an appointment? “

“Of course. Absolutely. Is there any reason why? Do you feel especially anxious right now?”

“Chill, Dad. I’m fine. Calm. Fine. Sleeping well.” Max lets out a small laugh. “I just think I need to try to get better. It’s not just for me, but for Matteo too. He can’t be the one to look after me all the time. I need to get better, so he can relax around me. I kind of realised that the other day, because he’s not as strong as he seems. So, I thought if I can get better, he won’t have to worry so much. If you see what I mean.”

Max looks a little sad. Looking down at his hands as the bus turns a steep corner.

“Max. Look at me,” Tom says quietly. “There are never any guarantees. We both know that, but you taking steps to try to get better is fantastic. We have to be realistic. It might trigger all kinds of things at first, and be really hard, but you know this, and I am talking out of my arse again. Sorry. I will book you an appointment. Consider it done.”

“Will you come with me?” Max asks, and for a moment, Tom only sees the child. A frightened little boy, who is just everything. Everything in the world to him.

“You know what?” he says slowly. Stopping for a second to think. “I think. Maybe. I think you should take Matteo with you. Not that I don’t want to come, but he will probably feel much better knowing what it is you are going through. Maybe it will even do him some good learning more about how you function.”

“Yeah,” Max says slowly, deep in thought. “Do you think Matteo should go see someone too?”

“In my professional opinion, and from what I know about him, I have views on what I would like to see him do, but it is not my place to tell him that. It’s his choice.” Tom has already looked up the best grief counsellor in Stockholm, and enquired about taking on a new patient, because he just can’t help himself. He won’t do anything else right now. He’s not stupid. It has to be Matteo’s choice. He just wants to be prepared. Ready for when he asks. If he ever does.

“Thanks, Dad,” Max says quietly.

“Next stop is ours!” Lukas proclaims cheerily. And Tom finds a pen in his pocket that he furiously sticks in his mouth. Sucks on the tip like it’s a dummy. A foul-tasting metallic plastic-tasting dummy. At least it helps. A little.

* * *

He has always been proud of his son. Ridiculously proud. But Max is just beaming as the lights go up. The small audience all on their feet cheering at the actors on stage. Lukas wiping a tear from his eye and giving Tom an embarrassed grin.

“Got something in my eye,” Lukas laughs, reaching down for the hem of his T-shirt to wipe the moisture from his cheek.

“Yeah, me too.” Tom giggles. He’s so proud. So fucking proud.

“Matteo was fucking awesome!” Max pulls his hands through his hair. Looking nervously at the stage where the actors are still milling around, now being greeted by the audience, lots of hugs from family obviously. Friends shaking hands.

“He was brilliant. When he threw that punch, I was holding my breath,” Lukas says, and pushes through the chairs. “Come on. Let’s go and hug the shit out of him.”

“Me first,” Max shouts with a grin, pushing Lukas out of the way. “He’s mine.”

They hang back, letting Max do his thing. Lifting Matteo high off the ground and swinging him around. Yeah, Tom is proud.

Because he is standing here with his arm around Lukas’s neck as his son is laughing and gesticulating with his hands, smiling and actually talking to one of the other actors. Shaking his hand. Like a… Tom almost thinks… Normal person. Because he has never seen Max like this. Confident almost. Like being with Matteo, being the one who belongs to Matteo, has given him a new boost.

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