Page 77 of Open Water

“I can change the sheets,” Tom says and starts to tug at the duvet.

“No, no, no. It’s fine,” Lukas replies, pushing his jeans down. Kicking them off and then feeling like an idiot. I mean, does he get naked? Or just keep to the boxers? Is topless too much? Not that his chest is bad, and he hopes he doesn’t smell. He doesn’t think he smells.

“Lukas…” Tom sounds unsure of himself as he sits himself down on the edge of the bed, with his back to Lukas, who stops. Because Tom’s shoulders are down, and all that cocky confidence seems to be gone.

“We don’t have to do anything,” Lukas tries to reassure. Hoping that he is reading this right.

“I don’t expect anything. I just want to lie here and hold you. Because I think we both need that right now, just getting used to this.”

“I think I’ve fallen in love with the idea of all this, but when it comes down to it, I have no idea what I’m doing. I don’t know what you want from me. I don’t understand it, but all I know is that I like it. I like you. I might even be in love with you.Fuck. I probably am. I think?”

Saying the words helps. It kind of calms him. Like he is doing this right. Like he’s okay. He thinks he is okay. Hopes.

“I have no idea what to do with you,” Tom says quietly. “Apart from sitting here and drinking coffee. That’s kind of how far the plan has gone in my head.”

“We can do that,” Lukas replies quietly. Kind of relieved. Because he’s not quite sure he is ready for anything. Not with Tom. Because this is not some kind of a hook-up. This is serious, like, long term ‘I want to live with you’ serious and to be honest, it’s totally different from whatever Lukas has wanted before. Yes, of course he wanted Rickard, and maybe living together had been part of his big masterplan, but to be honest, all Lukas can remember was the sex. Seduction and power and release and the long-winded chase and the banter and then.

Yeah. The aftermath. Doom and destruction.

This though.This.

“Come here,” he says. Kneeling on the bed and almost falling over himself trying to drag Tom’s body into his arms. “Come and cuddle.”

He does. He lies down and curls into Lukas and it’s pretty awesome. All of it. The smell of his hair in Lukas’s face. The heaviness of the arm over his chest. The leg curled over his thigh. Legs that keep moving trying to find a comfortable place. Hands. Fingers. Cold toes against ankles that make Lukas shiver with pleasure. Because it’s someone else. Someone who needs this as much as Lukas wants it.

“I missed you,” Tom whispers.

“I think I needed some time to get my head straight. Just to process,” Lukas says tentatively, hoping that it makes sense.

“That’s good.” Tom sounds tired. Tired but in some ways content.

“It’s been a long week.” Lukas sounds like he’s sixty. Seriously. Small talk has never been his strong point.

“The boys have painted all of downstairs and done this graffiti mural on the bedroom wall. Some tag thing. Looks pretty cool.”

“Wow. I’ll have to go down and look.”

“Yeah. The spray cans kind of scared me, but it seems they both knew what they were doing.”

“Kids usually do,” Lukas says back. Letting his nose stroke the top of Tom’s head.

“I feel like I have no idea what I am doing most of the time.” His voice is muffled, snuggling closer to Lukas, letting his leg curl tighter around Lukas’s shin. Rubbing a little, like he just needs to feel the warmth from the friction. Skin on skin. “You are…different. It’s nothing like, you know, girls are just smooth. Soft and warm where you are all hard muscle and hair. It’s exciting and it feels so fucking right that I don’t quite know how to put words to it. I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to you.”

“Does anyone ever know what they are doing?” Lukas replies. “I hardly know how to get through another term, even though I have been teaching for years. Every summer, I look at my class schedule and shudder, thinking, I can’t do it anymore. That I haven’t got it in me to drag another class through Advanced Algebra. Yet, I get in there and it somehow happens. I think it’s sometimes just about not overthinking things, just keeping it simple.”

Yeah, Lukas is the last person who should be giving life coaching advice right now. Even though he feels calmer than he has been for a long time. Happier. Content. After less than an hour in this damn house, finally back in this bed, with the slightly lumpy mattress and the threadbare IKEA bedding that smells unmistakably of Tom. His Tom. Who is all relaxed in his arms with Lukas’s fingers drawing little circles on the back of his t-shirt.

“So, we should keep this simple?” Tom raises his head and looks at Lukas, and Lukas can’t help it. He kisses him. A hard-pressed kiss. Slightly desperate. Nothing simple about it at all. Well, maybe it is. Just simple.

“Yeah. Just keep things simple. Love each other, and the rest we can figure out as we go along.” It’s strange how Lukas feels so confident all of a sudden. Like he has got this. He has. Hasn’t he?

“I love you. I am just still a little shocked you are here. I didn’t think you would come. And you did. I love that you did. “

“I should have told you I was coming.” Lukas kisses him again. Rolls over, so that Tom is resting with his forehead against his chest. Arms clumsily around his back.

“Nah, you can always come here. I had a key cut for Matteo today. I made a spare one for you, so you could have one if you want it. It’s hung on the hook under the hat rack. Just grab it, it’s yours.”

“Thank you.” Just the thought makes Lukas a little teary-eyed. Tom has given him a key.

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