Page 168 of Goaltender Interference

“Is Jesse good for you?” she asked eventually.

Connor laughed aloud this time because it was the last thing he’d expected her to ask. “Yeah, yeah he is.”

“Tell me why.”

“Uhh. He pushes me,” Connor said. “He drives me a little crazy and he’s a total chaos monster but I guess I need that.”

“He keeps you from being too rigid.”

“Yeah, exactly. For the most part, he rolls with whatever happens too and that’s also good for me.”

“He’s good with the kids too,” she said with a little sigh. “Much as I hate to admit it, you were right.”

“He is,” Connor agreed. “He cares about them a lot.”

“How did you—how did you figure out how to be okay with it all? I know the Catholic church takes a hard line on homosexuality. How do you reconcile all that in your head? How can you be Catholic and bisexual?”

“Honestly?” Connor said. “I’ve pretty much left the church.”

“Oh.” Her mouth made a small round ‘o’ of surprise.

“You know, after Kelly came out, I hardly went to church anymore,” he said slowly. “I kinda kept one box in my head for church and what I believed which was totally separate from the box where I kept the knowledge that I was attracted to a guy. And then—and then Jesse and I, uh, we hooked up. And he moved in with me and I was falling in love with him and …”

Connor shrugged. “Hockey was a good excuse not to go to church regularly and when I did, I could keep those two boxes separate enough to muddle through. It more or less worked until Nolan told me he was gay. Then it was like some switch flipped. Because I was kinda okay with the church thinking I was going to Hell for my feelings for Jesse but Nolan? That kid is so damn good. He’s the best of both of us, Viv.”

Connor had to blink back the emotion making his eyes well up and Viv held her hand out, small and cold, and he tucked it into his much larger one. “Nolan’s so good and he’s so smart and talented and the thought of anyone telling him he’s wrong for something as innocent as having a crush on his best friend seemed so …”

He didn’t have the words to explain it.

But Viv nodded anyway. “Yeah. I get that.”

“And so if the church can’t accept him then fuck them.”

She flinched but she didn’t let go. “Connor, I don’t know that I can—I can say that. What if I want to try to change the church from within?”

“Hey,” he said. “I’m not asking you to draw a hard line like I did. Just whatever you believe, whatever ties you wanna keep to your church, put our sonfirst, okay?”

“Of course.” She sounded appalled that he’d think anything else.

He looked over. “Promise me, Viv. Please.”

“I promise,” she said fiercely. “I don’t know how I’m going to make sense of all of this in my head but I love Nolan. Ido. And nothing’s more important than that.”

“Okay,” he said, relieved. “I just …”

“No, you fight for him,” she whispered. “And I love that about you. Even now.”

They fell silent again for a little while, the cool breeze rustling the trees overhead.

“Were you jealous of Jesse?” he asked. “When we went riding.”

She shrugged. “I suppose. But not because I want you back.”

He laughed. “Okay, good to know.”

She laughed too, soft and a little rueful. “You know what I mean.”

“I do.”

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