Page 23 of Wild Blades

Fucking yoga. Every morning.

Can’t deny I quite like it though. It makes me feel all relaxed and zen-like and it’s weird how I don’t get triggered by things that annoyed me before.Like Zane’s face.I can now look at him without feeling the need to punch him. That’s progress.

Double sessions of yoga on game days, as well as meditations and success visualizations, are helping tame the monster thatwas desperately trying to break free. I’ve only had a few disagreements during play, which is massive for me. It was several fights a game before, not disagreements.

The positive self-talk Joe asked me to do has also proven to be a challenge. The all too familiar sound of my mother’s voice creeps in, and I can’t help but listen to her hyper-critical drawls.

I am calm… you’re a car crash, Wade.

I consider my actions… no, you don’t. You’re a liability, Wade.

I am willing to do the work… you fail at everything you do, Wade.

I am surrounded by people who support and care about me… no, you’re not. You’re all alone, Wade.

I wish she would fuck off out of my head. I should ask Joe about what I can do about the disembodied voice that’s living rent free in my brain because so far everything he’s suggested is working and I’m really starting to trust him.

It pains me to admit it, but I trust Kali too. Although I don’t think Kali realized the amount of work she’d have to do, but she’s made grand promises which I’m holding her to.

I’ve come to love the time I spend with her.

Looked forward to it, even.

Watching her every move has become something I can’t stop myself from doing. I’m fascinated by her, gazing at her lips moving as she talks to me one too many times; imagined them on mine. I can’t stop myself.

It’s ridiculous and a pipe dream. It has to stop.

Which is difficult given I spend almost every day with her. She’s invading every thought of mine in my brain as if she’s pulled up a chair, made herself comfortable and won’t take the hint to leave. I don’t want her to, but you know, if only she would stop being so enchanting then maybe I could halt this weird new obsession with her I’ve acquired.

Although, how can I stop, when everything she promised me about being there for me she’s made good on and not letting me do everything by myself. She’s at every meet and greet, interview, and community charity event.

And everything she’s doing for me seems to be making a difference making it even more impossible for me to ignore her and the way she makes me feel.

She even guaranteed to turn around the results of the Eagles Player Likability Poll I ranked last in. And she said helping out at the soup kitchen for the homeless shelter was the best place to start. I was so moved by what the charity was doing for the community that I donated a month’s salary to feed people in need.

There’s also been a school visit where I did a motivational talk to a bunch of high school kids interested in becoming hockey players. Not one for public speaking, I loved every minute of it; the kids seemed interested and never stopped asking questions.

And how can I forget the animal sanctuary she had me visiting?Top tip; don’t wear black around molting dogs and cats.Did it once, won’t be doing that again, especially since I discovered I seem to have an allergy to cat fur.It was hell.

Right now, I’ll do anything to help retain my position on the team and build my reputation back up.

I’m doing this for me. And for her.

I was barely hanging on to my contract because I was avoiding Kali and Thomas, only doing some of the work. Fighting them only made everything worse. But seeing that transfer contract in black and white, I felt my dreams slipping through my fingertips and right now I am determined to hold on for dear life.

Where did the youngest Eagle in history to score five winning goals against the Lynxes just three days before my nineteenth birthday go?

Oh yeah, I remember, he was buried… alongside Gretchen.

Like Thomas explained to me, I need to find new ways to cope with Gretchen’s death. Part of me died that day too and I’ve been carrying her around with me every day since. And not in a good way.

It breaks my heart to even think about her. Lying where I found her—on the kitchen floor—blue lips, motionless.

Gone.

When the paramedics arrived, they informed me there was nothing they could do. She was cold, and they guessed she’d been there for several hours.

Several hours.

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