Page 92 of Bargain with the Irish Devil

“You can see him now. We’ll get you into a wheelchair and get you into NICU for a visit. It would be great if you could see if he’s able to feed. Were you going to breastfeed or…”

“I’d like to, yes.” I’m done being embarrassed, considering all the bodily functions happening in front of doctors, nurses, and medical students—except the students thing only happened once because Declan said never again—I’ve been through in the last month.

The doctor is happy. “Great, we’ll get you also squared away with bottles and to pump so the nurses can keep milk for him in supply when you’re ready to go home.”

“I’m going to go home without him?” The words are hard to form. I have no idea where the tears are coming from. Declan has his arms around me.

Whitney speaks up. “We’re going to keep you in for a few days. To confirm everything is good with your incision, but you will likely leave before Killian. Yes.”

The world goes dim, and I don’t really take anything in until a wheelchair appears in the room. I hate it but it’s what is taking me to my son, so I suffer through Declan picking me up and setting me gently in the wheelchair.

He pushes me down a hallway. Then we stop and have to wash our hands, and Declan puts a weird net over my hair, then his own. The room is a confusing cacophony of alarms. None of the alarms appear to trouble anyone—not even the babies. In a corner is alarge incubator and damn it tears are back as the nurse opens the doors of the incubator.

Carefully, she lays him in my arms. “Declan, he has your blue eyes and your dimples. Even the one in your chin. Oh, he’s perfect.”

The weight of him is small and precious in my arms. He looks like a wizened old man, with those blue eyes cloudy with the temper of adark storm.

“Perfect, I don’t know about that. If he was going to be a boy, the least he could have done was have your green eyes.” Declan mutters as he tries hard not to smile.

“Yes, I do think Killian is far more fitting for this one. Hi, Killian. I was the one you’ve been kicking.”

His yawn is adorable.

“Ma’am, your epidural is going to wear off soon. Let’s see if we can get him to feed from you first. We want to see how his sucking is, it might be a problem for him.” The nurse warns me.

She runs a finger over his cheek, his mouth opens looking for food. Wow, how neat he just knew. His little mouth tries to close before I have my nip—ow. My skin is too tight, and everything is beginning to ache. Ouch, he doesn’t want to latch.No, I can do this.

“Mrs. Kelly, it’s okay. They can’t always when they’re a preemie like Killian. Oh my goodness, he’s got it. That’s great. Really, he’s already doing better than we thought he would. Good job, Mom.”

I’m oddly proud, even if it feels so odd. There’s a twinge of pain at each suckle. His soft mouth is so different. It’s nothing like with Declan.

Declan is at my side. “Are you all right? Do you want me to get the nurse to take him?”

I shake my head, “No. It’s okay. It just feels weird. I guess it will take some getting used to.”

“Remember, if you don’t want to breastfeed, formula is more than all right. It will make things easier for Aoife and meto help feed him.” He urges me as he runs two fingers gingerly over Killian’s tiny hand.

“I will.” Leaning into his arms, I sigh with relief that he’s so insistent I depend on him and Aoife if I need help.

Killian eats hungrily for the first few minutes. Then, gradually, he slows, but it’s clear heisn’t full. Vaguely I remember something about ten minutes. I’m not sure if it was a total of ten minutes or ten minutes foreach breast. When I get to ten minutes, I burp Killian. It’s a relief when he burps quickly and without a lot of work. Since the nurse isn’t back and he doesn’t seem satisfied I move him to my other breast.

Just as I think Killian is falling asleep, the nurse is back. “He’s stopped eating, but I wasn’t sure what to do with him…”

She chuckles. “Good job, Mama, moving him to the other breast. It will take some time to get his schedule down. It’s a good idea not to have him fall asleep eating or in your arms. Or it will train him to only fall asleep that way—just something to think about. Now, it’stime to get you into bed.”

I’m wheeled back to our room by the nurse. Declan picks me up from the wheelchair and settles me down onto the bed.

“I’ll go get the bottles and pump.” The nurse pats my leg.

“What do you want for dinner? Aoife is coming along soon, and she can pick something up or make something. She wants your order.” Declan is beside the bed with his phone pulled out.

I shrug. “I’m not hungry.” He gets that look on his face. “I don’t care. You order it, and I’ll eat it. I promise.”

Sighing, he nods and begins replying to Aoife’s text.

The nurse is back carrying two bottles and a very ugly breast pump. Declan shakes his head and is into the overnight bag I packed. He pulls out the case the breast pump I picked out is in. I selected it with Aoife helping. The newer ones I was looking at were more focused on suction directly at the nipple.

The breast pump I went with has more suction from around the nipple, not focused on the nipple because Aoife warned me it would hurt. I’m now realizing that’s what hurt the most with Killian.

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