Page 75 of Unexpected Pass

I looked down at my hands, remembering holding his lifeless body.

“I survived. He died instantly. And every win, every fucking touchdown I throw, every endorsement deal, every damn dollar I’ve made since then… all feels like I stole it from him… like I stole his life, his joy, and his happiness.”

My mom’s hand flew to her mouth, and loud sobs escaped her lips.

“You never told me you felt guilty,” she whispered. “You never said that you held him as he died.”

She sobbed.

“I couldn’t. You never wanted to talk about Jeronee. Sometimes I felt like you blamed me.”

“I never blamed you. Never!”

Dr. Baites nodded, writing something down in her notepad before speaking.

“Tell me, Kellon. Is there anything in your life you feel you earned and didn’t take from your brother?”

“My girl and my son. She’s pregnant. They are the only things I’ve had in a long time that I feel I deserve. The only things that I feel like aren’t his because God designed them specially for me. They’re mine.”

“Your feelings are a very human response to grief, Kellon. You were a teenager. It was an accident that you didn’t cause. Blaming yourself won’t bring your brother back, but it will keep you from fully living.”

I nodded slowly. “I know, but it’s hard to stop. It’s like if I’m happy, I feel like I’m betraying him, rubbing my life in his face.”

She glanced at my mom gently. “Ms. Barnes, how does hearing Kellon say these things make you feel?”

My mom’s sobs were now just quiet whimpers with tears draining from her eyes.

“I never knew he felt that way. I lost a son... but I didn’t realize I was also losing the one who lived with guilt. I thought you were so strong. I never knew you were hurting behind that mug.”

“Grief doesn’t mean you stop living and being happy. It doesn’t mean you’ve stolen from the dead. It’s okay to celebrate this life and your accomplishments. You’re here for a reason, Kellon.”I’m here for a reason.I sat with that for as long as I could before Dr. Baites spoke again. “You ever think that girlfriend and baby are the reason you were chosen to stay?” That was more to sit with. “Is she good to you?”

I smiled a little. “Yeah. She saved me. And I don’t even think she knows it.”

“Then let her,” she said gently. “And let your mother support you too. She’s ready.” She turned to my mother. “He needs you to share the weight. It’s too heavy for him to carry alone.”

My mom reached over and put her hand on mine. “I want to support you, baby. I do. I’m sorry. I didn’t know how before, but I do now.”

For the first time, it felt like I wasn’t grieving alone, like it wasn’t a mistake that I had lived.

“Kellon, we’ve made some great breakthroughs today, but I’d like to keep seeing you together for a few more sessions. I think you should start your own solo ones as well. Can I refer you to my husband? He’s great with male clients.”

“Yes. I’d like that.”

I stood from the chair and hugged my mother before leaving the office. She still had a few things she wanted to discuss, and that was cool with me. I needed some time alone to walk andthink. The doctor’s words clarified what I already knew. Phileigh was the reason I had lived. She was my soulmate, and the universe couldn’t leave her out here alone.

When I stepped outside, I felt lighter. I did not feel fixed, but I was healing, finally healing, and not just coping. I pulled out my phone to call Phileigh. I wanted to let her know how it went, but before I could dial her, my phone rang. It was Lolo. My face balled up. Something in the pit of my stomach told me something was wrong.

“Sup?” I answered quickly, waiting for Lolo to confirm what I already suspected.

“Kellon, we’re heading to the hospital!” Lolo yelled frantically through the phone. “Someone attacked her in the parking lot. They think it was random. She’s asking for you. There’s blood. The baby?—”

And just like that, my world dropped to the damn grown and shattered in a million pieces.

“Which hospital?” That was all I wanted to know.

“Mount Sinai.”

I didn’t say goodbye. I don’t remember if I hung up. I just turned and ran back into the building through the receptionist area and back into Dr. Baites’s office.

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