Page 81 of Heart of Stone

“I thought that’s what we already agreed on,” he voiced cautiously. “I’m not entirely sure where you’re going with this.”

“Last night things got a bit complicated. At least for me they did. You were right – I am extremely uneducated, especially on the whole BDSM thing. Up until this afternoon, I thought you just wanted to spank me and, well… you know. Play doctor or something,” I confessed.

My heart began to thud a rapid beat, quickened from nervous angst. My ignorance on the subject was beyond embarrassing, and I fought the flush that threatened to overtake me.

“Role playing can be a part of BDSM. It would depend on your preferences.” He was still somewhat guarded, and he waited tenaciously to see where I was going with my admission.

“Yeah, well…about those preferences. I did a little bit of research online today.”

Heat rose up my neck. As much as I tried, I couldn’t stop it. And when I saw his eyes widen with curious speculation, it only heightened my humiliation further, deepening the crimson that was slowly covering cheeks.

“Andwhatexactly did you find, Krystina?”

“Lots of crazy shit. Toys, weird contraptions…you name it, I saw it. After seeing everything, I’m sort of confused now. I know that there are levels of BDSM, S&M – whatever you want to call it,” I rambled. “I just need to know exactly what levelyouare before I get involved any deeper. Because, I have to say, some of the crap I saw was pretty freaky.”

“Oh, no…” he said, his handsome face revealing true alarm. He ran his hands through his hair and stood to pace back and forth in front of the coffee table. “Look, I can only imagine what you saw and what you’re probably thinking. I’m not an extremist, so let’s be clear on that much at least.”

I breathed a sigh of relief, and my rapidly drumming pulse seemed to slow a bit. I didn’t truly believe that he was some twisted and demonic nympho that wanted to cause physical damage to me, but hearing him say it aloud gave me a bit of consolation at least.

“So, what level are you then?” I asked. I tried to keep the worry out of my voice, but it was hard feat to manage, since I wasn’t entirely sure what level I’d actually be comfortable with.

“I’m not really sure that I would classify myself a particular level. This sort of thing isn’t that clinical. It’s about what we agree to do together, and about what the submissive wants more than anything. Despite what you may have found online, BDSM is not abuse. At the end of the day, you are the one in control, Krystina. Not me.”

“Now you’re confusing me. How can I possibly be in control? I thought I was the one that was submitting toyou.”

“You are. But it’s my job, as a Dom, to take care of you. I must be in tune with your needs in order to satisfy your every want and desire. If I’m not, and I make it all about me, then it is abuse.” The baffled look on my face was clear. He stopped pacing, stepped up to me and rested his hands reassuringly on my shoulders. “Forget about the nonsense that you saw online and think about it seriously for a minute. Yes, I enjoy the high I feel when I’m in control, and knowing that I have the power to push you to your breaking point. But at any given moment, you can call everything to a halt. I may be the one who wields the whip, but you control the limits just by using a safe word.”

My stomach dropped at the thought of him using a whip, and I found myself wincing.

At least I know what a safe word is…thank god for online research.

“I can’t just say ‘no’?” I asked, trying to keep the fear that I felt out of my voice.

“The word ‘no’ can be misunderstood, especially in a role playing scenario. Picking a safe word is better.”

“But what if I’m tied up and helpless? You said that you might push me to do things that I don’t want to do. How can I trust that you’ll stop even if I do use a safeword?”

“That’s the reason why I told you that submission is hard. It’s not about making you do things that you don’t want to. It’s about exploring together. I can show you the way, but you’ll need to trust me” he said softly, leaning forward to brush a curly tendril of hair from my forehead. “I’m giving you my word. I would never push you further than you were willing to go, Krystina.”

I looked up searchingly at his face and tried to find something, anything that would give me insight as to what he was thinking. There was nothing sinister and evil in his sapphire eyes, only patience and understanding.

“I believe you,” I told him. And that was the truth, as much as it astounded me. I was shocked at my ability to trust him so easily, a man that I barely knew. But even so, we weren’t finished just yet. “There’s still more we need to talk about, Alex.”

“What other questions do you have?”

“I don’t have more questions, per say. Just a few things that we need to sort out. You gave me an idea last night when you talked about women requiring non-disclosure agreements.” I leaned down to retrieve a pen and the list that I made from my purse that was on the floor by my feet.

“Is that what you want?”

He sounded surprised.

“Oh, no. It’s nothing like that. It’s more like a set of rules to follow if we are going to…um, do this.” I was suddenly second guessing my stupid idea. I thrust the computer printout at him before I could change my mind. “Here – I made a list. Just read it.”

He took the list from my outstretched hand and reclaimed his seat next to me on the sofa. He silently read over the catalog of stipulations. When he finished, he looked at me, mild humor sparkling in his eyes.

“So, that’s it?” he asked, placing the paper on the coffee table.

He was trying to suppress a smile, but I ignored him and continued on.

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