Page 24 of Bleeding Hearts

How do others move past grief?

Being with Bethany was the first time I’ve felt alive since it happened. My heart still soars with the afterglow, and I yearn for that exhilarating rush again.

But the moment I was alone, a wave of guilt crashed over me, leaving me a huge, empty, hollow mess.

“It finally happened.” I fold my hands between my legs and stare at her name. “I couldn’t take it anymore. The tension between us became unbearable, making it impossible to ignore. So, I gave in and, goddamn, it was amazing.” Closing my eyes, I admit. “I hate that it was. It’s not supposed to be like that with anyone but you. Only you.”

A warm smile spreads across my face as a rush of happiness floods my senses, and a memory unfolds in my mind.

“Do you remember the first time we fooled around?” Sunshine warms my face, chasing away the shadows. “We’d only known each other for a couple of months. It was our fifth date. You wore that tight little number that sent all the blood to my dick. You dragged me to that party at your sister’s fraternity, torturing me for hours. I wanted to pummel every one of those college guys who gawked at you like you were some piece of meat. Stacy stepped in at one point and sent us to her room so I could cool off.”

A laugh bubbles up from deep inside as I remember what came next. All that did was put me in a private room with Stephanie, which triggered the need to mark her with my scent. It was the first time I felt possessive of a woman.

“You started it. Dropped to your knees seconds after your sister shoved us inside. Undid my belt and got to work.” I look around to make sure I’m still alone. “Sucked me until I warned you that if you didn’t stop, I would come down your throat. The mischief in your eyes as you looked up at me told me I was in trouble. You refused to stop, sucked me harder until I spilled into your mouth. Then somehow directed my spurts of cum to your bared breasts. I’d been so thankful for yanking them free seconds earlier so I could play with them while you sucked my cock. It was so fucking sexy watching it slide down between them. You refused to clean it off, and Stacy returned before I got the chance to repay you.”

No guy came near her again after that. Like they knew I’d claimed her, and that she was off limits. And she was. From that moment on, Stephanie was mine and I was prepared to do whatever I had to do to make sure she knew it.

“Then you ghosted me.” Exhausted, I release a deep sigh and sink into the bench, feeling its sturdy support against my back.“It took me two months to get another chance. You didn’t make it easy, but it was worth it. All of it. If I could go back, I wouldn’t change a thing about us.”

Frustrated, I brush away a tear, feeling the dampness on my cheek. “You were everything I needed, and you taught me so much about life and love. But you also hurt me and left a huge fucking hole in my heart that I don’t know what to do with. How am I supposed to move on? Am I supposed to? And if so, why do I feel so guilty about it?”

There’s no response. Not that I expected one.

Dwelling on the past isn’t helping. That day will never leave me. Postpartum is real. Stephanie was on medication to help. I thought she was doing better. No one can be certain if it was intentional or an accident. I think it was an accident, because I know my wife. She would never have chosen to leave the girls or me behind. I blame it on distraction. Her first week back at work and she was learning a new routine. I think she forgot she took the pills, probably because one of the girls needed her for something and she was a good mom and stopped to help. Then she couldn’t remember if she took them and instead of risking a bad day, she took them again. Thankfully, the girls weren’t with her when it happened, both safely at their schools. They assume she fell asleep at the wheel. Drifted into oncoming traffic. Died instantly.

She’s gone. Isn’t coming back. And it’s time to do what needs to be done.

“I won’t be visiting you by myself as much. I’ll bring the girls by, of course, like I’ve been doing. But I can’t keep coming here alone. It’s not healthy for me. I hope you understand.” Standing, I reach for the marble stone wall, its polished surface reflecting sunlight, and trace her engraved name. “I love you. That will never stop, but maybe it’s time to love you from a distance. I need to find out if I can love again. She’s gonna fight it, probablymore than you did. I guess that’s the kind of women my stupid ass falls for, those who tell me there’s an end date and that I need to prepare myself for it.

“Thank you. Thank you for the memories and for the girls. I promise to never let them forget you, no matter what happens. Rest now.” With a bittersweet farewell kiss to my hand, I place it over hers again, savoring this final connection before leaving, confident this is the right choice.

“Sorry I’m late.”I apologize to Stacy as soon as she opens the door.

Stepping aside, she makes room for me to come in. “It’s fine. Like I told you when you called, I have the day off.”

The house is quiet, not exactly what I expected with Mollie running around. “Girls still asleep?”

Nervously, she laughs, closing the door behind me. “No. They’ve been up since six. They’re out back with our new puppy and, well, Mom.”

I’m almost to the backdoor when she mentions my mother-in-law, stopping me in my tracks. Even when Stephanie was alive, Susanne and I didn’t get along; things only got worse after she died. I think she blames me for what happened, even though it wasn’t my fault. I get along even less with my father-in-law, Barney. He’s always seen me as not good enough for his little girl and her daughter, even though I took better care of them than he or his wife ever did.

“Your parents are here? You could’ve warned me.” I suck in a breath, trying to ready myself for the shitshow that’s about to go down. “When did they get here?”

“Theyaren’t here.” Stacy passes me on her way to the kitchen. “Dad left Mom.”

Hearing that gets my feet moving again. “I’m sorry, what?”

“You heard me. Dad left Mom.” She opens the cupboard, revealing a collection of coffee mugs. Taking one, she hands it to me and gestures toward the coffee machine. “Trust me, I’m just as surprised as you.”

I brew myself a cup of joe while insisting on the details. “When? Why?”

Glancing out the kitchen window into the backyard, Stacy sighs in frustration. “According to Mom, he left her about six months ago.”

“Six months ago? And you didn’t know?”

“Nope.” She lets theppop as she turns around to look at me. “Mom told me she assumed it was just a phase he was going through. Much like all the other ones. Eventually, she expected him to come home.”

I pick up my mug when the sputtering stops. “And I’m the piece of shit? I never understood why your mother put up with that.”

---