Page 92 of Inarticulate

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Date: 28thDecember

Subject: Goodbye

Dear Savannah,

‘I’m sorry’ seems like a poor excuse for an apology. It’s ridiculous how many times I’ve written those words only to delete them because they don’t hold enough conviction.

But I am.

I’m completely and utterly ruined by how sorry I am.

There’s no explanation to appease the guilt. I knew I was hurting you without your knowledge. It was deliberate. I kept telling myself that this thing between us was only temporary. You were always meant to leave. And with your departure, the deceit would’ve died with it. Yet you tattooed yourself under my skin, and even now that you’re gone, I can’t let you go.

I don’t expect you to want to understand what it’s like to be a capable man stuck in an incapable body. But the hard lessons in life have taught me that a lack of speech is intriguing and challenging, yet an uncompromising adult stutter is a nuisance and the easiest way to be degraded by everyone—professionals, friends, and strangers alike.

I rarely share my ability to talk or the inadequacy that comes with it.

Apart from my father, who despises my lack of fluent speech, Dominic, Penelope, and your aunt, nobody else knows of my secret. The staff at Grandiosity aren’t aware. I’m not in contact with anyone from my school years, and I’ve distanced myself from extended family, too.

So although your humiliation is justified, please be aware there was no malice behind it. It was merely my way of trying to stand tall beside the perfection of you.

And you are perfect, Savannah.

You’re everything.

My everything.

But now it’s time to stop torturing you with my contact, and say goodbye. I won’t email you again. You now have all the things I couldn’t say while we were together, and the only thing left is what you need to know moving forward.

I adore you.

I’ve adored you since you first teased me with your smile on the Augustines’ porch. There will never be another woman to fill the hole you’ve left. And I hope, one day, you will forgive me for breaking both our hearts.

Keenan

He sat backin his chair, reread his email and tried to ignore the overabundance of estrogen woven between the letters. He wished he could tell her more. Not only his nonsensical feelings, he wanted her to be aware of the history behind his decisions.

But it was time to quit communication.

Weeks had passed without a word from her. He couldn’t gain her attention. Not from the texts, or the attempt to video call. Not even the flowers and expensive gifts. Nothing inspired a response.

Not a damn thing.

Her rejection was far more aggressive than the years of pity he’d endured. Every refresh of his inbox stole a piece of his pride, and he’d do it again and again and again if he didn’t think he was hurting her with each slide of his name amongst her emails.

She didn’t want to hear from him. Not now. Not ever. And it was understandable. There wasn’t anything more vile than a man who shielded himself from pain by exposing a woman to it.

“Are you coming to family dinner?” Penelope asked from his office doorway. “We’re expecting you.”

He shook his head and clicked on the button to send his email into cyberspace. He didn’t have the strength to face the Augustines yet. Solitude was preferred, especially when Dominic had made it clear he wasn’t welcome.

“Your silent treatment is starting to piss me off.” She stepped into his office and clicked the door shut behind her. “Why am I being punished?”

She knew why. It didn’t stop her from asking, though. Penelope had taunted him non-stop since he vowed he wouldn’t talk unless it was to Savannah. If he couldn’t speak to the woman he loved, he’d speak to no one.

Chivalrous? No. It was an excuse to slink further into his own little world and ignore everyone else’s existence.

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