Page 53 of Steamy Dreamy Hearts

“Erin ate a little,” he reported. “She has some color, too.”

“She’s getting better. Thanks.” I smiled at him. “A visit with you must have cheered her.”

“No problem.” Phin put the bowl in the sink with a clatter. “I am awesome.”

“And thank James, too.”

“Yeah, he wanted to visit, too, but he’s up to his eyeballs in student essays. Oh, he did get a book for her.” Phin went to his bag and pulled it out. “Paddington. James says the chapter books are good for kids her age.”

I nodded, a lump in my throat making it hard to reply.

“Aw, Smack. You look worse than Erin. And I don’t think you caught her flu.”

I gave him a bleak look and admitted, “I’m not physically sick, but I haven’t slept.”

“Why did you break it off with Caleb? I just don’t get it. He made you smile. Man, Smack, forget smiling. He made youglow.”

I hung my head. “With Erin unexpectedly home and the reality of everything hitting us, it wasn’t going to work out.”

“Shit, I was rooting so hard for you guys.” Phin sat across from me at the kitchen table.

“I was rooting for us, too.” I swallowed, fighting an urge to weep.

Phin studied me. “You want him back? It’s obvious.”

“Of course I want him. I might always want him!” I shook my head. “But wanting and getting are not the same things.”

“Does Erin not like him?”

“What? No. Who could dislike Caleb?” I gulped. “I’m looking out for Caleb—I know I hurt him, and I feel like crap about it, but it was for the best.”

“You keep repeating that. ‘It’s for the best. It’s for Caleb. He wouldn’t want the reality…’ So, what is the reality you’re protecting him from that’s so awful?”

“He’s not ready to parent, and being Erin’s parent is the one thing I can’t screw up. If I dated him and then…”

“Who said he must be a parent figure to Erin right this minute? Jesus. Way to jump off into the deep end, Smack.” Phin paused like he was thinking about his next words. “Look…you seem to think Caleb is some fragile guy who will run at the first sign of Erin having a tantrum or whatever. That’s not Caleb. He’s the guy who braved multiple operations. Who returned to work when anybody not as courageous would have quit and never come back.”

“This is different. I’m letting him go so he can be free to enjoy everything he worked so hard to get back and not be burdened?—”

“Oh, fuck me. Stop it! Caleb’s not a child. He’s a man who doesn’t need you making the decision for him.”

“He’s too sweet, though, and he’d never want to hurt me?—”

“So, you hurt him? That makes no sense. Sounds to me like a bunch of bullshit excuses. Maybe being a parent wasn’t in his plans, but things change on a dime. Who better than Caleb knows this? He doesn’t have to be a parent to Erin, exactly. He could start off as her friend. Build toward his role in her life.” Phin folded his arms. “And you must realize that it’s you who’s scared, not him. Be honest. Is the breakup over what’s best for Caleb? Erin? Or is it about your fears?”

“That’s ridiculous,” I denied. “I want to be with him.”

“That doesn’t mean you aren’t panicked at the idea.” Phin’s tone softened.

“I’m a fire captain. I know how to push those feelings aside.”

“Sure, we’re fantastic at staying calm in danger outside. It’s the danger inside we don’t handle that well.”

I was silent, taken by surprise. A hot sense of dread went through me. Was Phin right? Was it all just fear?

“James turn you into a philosopher now?” I grumbled.

“Nah, it’s not being married to the professor that’s led me to the psychological brilliance.” Phin grinned. “It’s AA. They makeyou face this type of crap. Speaking of my husband, I better be getting back to him. After he grades those essays, he’s usually in need of something fun.” Phin stood and gave me a sympathetic look. “Call me if you want to talk. Meanwhile, respectfully, Captain…get your shit together.”

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