Page 43 of Nerdy Dirty Valentine

“I think he’s sick of all this talk. I can take him round the baseball field.” He took the leash but rubbed a temple with his other hand.

I jumped up. “Let me. Sit here and try and relax. You’ve had a lot of stress.”

“I do have a headache,” he admitted.

I brushed my fingers over his temple. “Be back in a moment. Lie down on the bench and take slow breaths.”

Walking Ginsberg around the area where the kids were playing ball was as much for me as for James. As I heard the crack of a bat and smelled the cut lawn, I knew this was absolutely not the moment to tell him my feelings. My walk with Ginsberg was deliberately slow as he stopped to pee or sniff.

But my heart? It was doing sprints around that field.

I would tell him. Soon… not this moment. He was stressed. James had a headache.

Nervous butterflies danced in my stomach. No, fuck that. They weren’t butterflies. They were baseballs, as hard as the ones on the field. Could I really make a guy like James happy? I loved him so damn much, but that didn’t mean he loved me.

I shook with feeling and walked Ginsberg another lap around.

Could James fall in love with me? I’d taught him to dance, to show his naked body with pride… maybe I could show him why he should love me. If I started telling him how much he was loved, maybe he would fall for me eventually.

I stopped walking, nodding my head vigorously. “I’ll find the right moment.”

Ginsberg raised his hind leg.

I snorted. “Or he might piss on me. Is that what you’re saying?”

I’d survive. It would hurt like hell if James didn’t fall for me in return, but one thing the past weeks had taught me was I could cry and talk and move forward. I hoped my forward would include James. I’d long for him every fucking day if it didn’t. But I’d keep moving, keep living, and keep believing in love. That I was worthy of finding love.

When I returned to the bench, James wasn’t lying on it, but he did have his head tilted back, eyes closed, the sunlight on his face.

I stared for a long moment before scooting beside him. “Headache better?”

“Oh. Hey! Yeah, much. If ever I can return the favor…” His sincere blue eyes shined into mine. That gaze made me soften. It always did.

“There is one thing,” the honest reply tumbled from my lips. Because if I kept moving forward, I had to release myself from the past.

“Okay.”

“Just okay? I haven’t said what the favor is.”

“Doesn’t matter.” James’ eyes sparked. “I’m there.”

A warmth blossomed at my center. I felt it heat my cheeks.

“Thanks.” My words were gruff.

Releasing myself from the past meant facing a facet of it head-on. Something that recovery had taught me was necessary. But I didn’t want to do it alone. With James by my side, I could face the one figure at the center of all my prior self’s storms.

I could face my mother.

CHAPTER

SIXTEEN

The drive to Scottsdale was quick. Almost too quick. Nerves clawed under my skin, clenching my stomach as we entered my mother’s neighborhood.Only a few houses to go now…James took one hand off the steering wheel and laid it on my thigh. Gratitude and relief that he’d agreed to come along blanketed some of the nerves. My hand trembled as I covered his and squeezed.

The AA meeting last week had been good for me, but it also made me realize I had to get some closure from the person I’d hidden from half my life.

We pulled into the circular driveway. Mom’s house was fancy, no surprise, and its stark white exterior stood out like an icy fortress among the buttery yellows and warm tans of the surrounding estates. Mom’s house was modern, with large windows and a severe-looking cactus out front.

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