Page 5 of Nerdy Dirty Valentine

The thing about being bigger than most everybody from a young age was how different I felt inside. Sometimes, I almost forgot that I was broad and burly. My home life had left me with a woman who made me feel so small.

“You really an alcoholic?” James asked quietly.

“Yeah.”

He nodded. “Makes sense if I look back. A lot of clues were there. But I wasn’t exactly a worldly kid.”

“God, James, fuck. I feel awful. I wasn’t a good guy back then. I was in a mess with my classes and remember being desperate. Angry at everything after my dad passed. And working hard to hide that from my friends… Give me a red cup and some beer. I was game.” I gave a deep exhale. “I ended up in summer school for English. I remember being scared of all that and desperate. I asked you and shouldn’t have. I knew how you were a goodstudent, a good person. But the rest? I don’t remember. I’m sorry I was such a shit to you. You didn’t deserve it. And my blacking out about it is not an excuse.”

“I believe you.”

The defensive stance drained away from James.

He scrubbed a hand over his beard. “Look, let’s forget it, okay? We both made assumptions and mistakes. And I’m trying to be an adult, not a kid, about all this. Seeing you, I went right back to fourteen.”

“Same here.” I met his eyes. “I am sorry. For what it’s worth all these years later.”

“I get it.” James paused. “What about me? I wasn’t drinking in high school, and my memory is excellent, so how was Iyourbully?”

“You want to get into all that?”

“I do.” He wasn’t going to accept no. James tilted his chin in that stubborn way he had, and I felt a surge of respect.

“Fine.” I gathered myself. “You made me feel stupid.”

“Me?”

“From the moment I sat next to you in English class. I had the scores to be in that class, but I couldn’t concentrate. But I wasn’t stupid.”

“Well, shoot, I knew that.”

“You did?”

“You were in my class.” He started to snort-laugh, then stopped. “Aw, shit, that sounds arrogant, just like you said I was.” He tugged his little beard. “How did I make you feel that way?”

“The way you watched my grades. Or tried to be smart-alecky and correct my already failed work. You mocked me all the time for my scores. I felt humiliated by you time and time again.”

“But I was only trying to—I wanted you to pass. We were seatmates, and I wanted to help.” James blushed a little.

“I didn’t take it that way. I thought you were poking fun. You, the boy genius, ahead of us all. Stuck with me, the failing one. And besides, you said it in a pretty snotty way. Worse of all, when you told on me for asking you for answers.”

James sighed. “My brother, Mick, says I didn’t always hear how I sounded as a kid. In my mind, I was being a friend, offering to tutor and show you the mistakes. Maybe it did sound condescending. It was the only area I had any confidence in. I wasn’t trying to be a jerk. I should have just said no to you and dropped it. Not told on you so publicly… I’m sorry, Phin.”

“Thanks.” I didn’t know what to say beyond that. The sincerity in his voice got to me. “Well, this has turned into a strange morning.”

“Understatement,” James laughed. This time, he didn’t stop his little snorts, and I was glad.

We met each other’s eyes. Nothing and everything changed suddenly, the way life does.

Forgiveness.

It was in his eyes, which made me happy and ashamed all at once. Forgiveness wasn’t something I had given my mother. Or myself.

“Thanks for hearing me out,” I said gruffly. “If you ever want to talk more or, um… hang out, come to Engine 41. We could even be friends… or whatever.”

He furrowed his brow, the same way he had in school. “Thanks. But it’s probably not a good idea.”

I swallowed hard, nodding.

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