Page 46 of Nerdy Dirty Valentine

“Samantha, please.” George shot her a warning look.

I took a deep breath. “It’s been hard to find my sobriety since I was a teenager, so I hope you understand that. And I understand you did your best with me, even if I had anger about it. I guess… I forgive you.”

“Forgive me for what?” she exclaimed.

“For not being able to help me more. For not seeing how sad and lonely I was behind all the drinking. It’s in the past. That’s what I came to say.”

Eyes widening, she shook her head as she dragged her hands through her hair and gave George an incredulous look before turning back to me. “I took care of you. Fed you. Clothed you. I worked until I was exhausted most nights. All alone, I did it. Gave you a good house. You lacked for nothing and still wasted it all.”

“Those are allthings, Mom. Not emotions. You didn’t… give me support. Like how you never checked on me or asked me how I was. All the times I got so drunk I couldn’t stand, and you never got me help for my emotions, like a grief counselor or something. Or even talked to me about it. We both needed counseling, and you just ignored it all. So, I turned to the booze.”

Mom drew a sharp breath. “You saying it’s my fault you drank?”

“No, alcoholism is complicated and has many factors, including a genetic part. But I’m saying you didn’t fucking help me. And I needed help, Mom. I needed you to care enough to try?—”

“I sent you to rehab. I paid for it.”

“Beyond tossing money at rehabs.” I scrubbed my hand over my face. She didn’t get it. Maybe she never would. “And the things you sometimes said to me hurt me. Like… a fucking lot…” I eyed James, whose face was full of compassion. “And words matter. They do. Some words should never be spoken.”

I had said it. The speech I’d practiced a thousand times before today. I waited on her.

And waited…

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” I cried out hoarsely.

“Say something,” George whispered.

“What’s to say?” Mom shot back. “Phin wants to blame me for everything wrong in his goddamn life. Well, to hell with that. I didn’t make him a drunk.”

James and George gasped at the same time.

“How dare you!” James erupted. “You call yourself a parent? I can’t imagine my own— That doesn’t matter. Your son is a wonderful, amazing man. He saves lives for a living. He’s funny and sweet and fucking kind to everybody.” James stepped forward, ready to shield me from my mom. “And he obviously didn’t get any of that goodness from you.”

“Don’t bother, James.” I laughed, but it sounded broken.

“Please stay. You guys need to keep talking.” George’s voice was filled with the empathy she lacked. “Your mother loves you. She was looking forward to this visit.”

“You mean this attack?” Mom snapped. Her face was tomato red. “Like he’s done to me for years. I can’t take this anymore.”

Shock slammed into me like a tidal wave. “Like I’ve done to you for years? When? We’ve hardly had any contact in thelast ten. I’ve never verbally attacked you. Hell, you pretty much ignored me my entire life!”

Her upper lip curled. “You wanted a better mother? I wanted a better son.”

“All right, that’s enough.” James grabbed me and spun me to him. “Don’t worry, we’re leaving.”

“Samantha.” George tugged at Mom’s arm.

“What? He’s saying I’m not good enough,” my mom said. “That I’m the failure.”

“That’s not what— I wanted us to both admit mistakes, not only you.” My voice strained as she turned from me.

My heart fell. She’d taken my visit all wrong. It was as if we didn’t speak the same language. No matter how hard I tried, we were stuck in the same cycle of hurt and pain. ’Cause Mom’s eyes did hold deep pain like I imagined mine did.

“Say the word and we go.” James leaned into me, pressing his lips to my cheek.

“I can’t move my feet,” I whispered in his ear. “I’m so fucking frozen.”

“Come with me. I’ll move for you.” Taking my arm, James led me outside.

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