Page 44 of Nerdy Dirty Valentine

Although she’d accepted my offer to visit, I didn’t feel exactly welcome. Story of my life.

We sat in the car for a moment, listening to the radio, James giving me the space I needed to collect myself.

“Her new husband will be there, too. He seems okay. From her texts, at least.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “She wantedme to meet him and go to their wedding, and her texts got a lot less frequent when I didn’t attend.”

“Why didn’t you go?”

“We hadn’t spoken in person since I went to rehab. I tried a couple times, and she cancelled. Then it became weird.”

“To not see her for such a long time and then go right to her big wedding would have been hard. You can explain some of that today to her.”

“Yeah…” I stared off at the sun shining brightly in the sky. “She had paid for the other rehab, but I wanted to pick a new program and do it on my own. She didn’t think I could get sober and told me so. She always told me that… it wasn’t a surprise. My parents both worked, but my mom was the breadwinner, and my dad was the one home for me a lot. My mom was pretty critical, even before he died. It bothered me as a kid, you know? Why I wasn’t good enough. What was wrong with me? Always my fault, never hers… And drinking was easier than dealing with that shit. Mom said the last time we spoke… that if my dad had lived—” I choked a little. “If he’d seen who I’d become, he’d be so disappointed. That I’d be a huge letdown to him like I’d always been to her… and when she said those words to me, I couldn’t get over it. ’Cause my dad’s death devastated me, but my mom…she broke my heart.” My voice caught, and the center of my chest ached with the memory. I quickly cleared my throat.

“Phin, look at me.” James’ hand landed on my shoulder, warm and comforting.

I turned and faced him.

James looked sick. “That’s beyond awful. I don’t even know what to say…”

I shrugged. “To be fair to Mom, she said it before I got sober. She had to deal with my walking chaos. I messed up all the time.”

“I don’t care.” James was angrier than I’d ever seen him. “It was wrong.”

It was what I’d told the group in the AA meeting with Rico. I’d told them the story of being accused of disappointing my dead father if he’d lived. How my mom judged me or ignored me. But the people listening there hadn’t cared much, and they’d moved on to the next person.

James, though, hecared.Passionately, deeply.

It was etched all over his face.

He caredabout me. Maybe he might even love me?

“Maybe you shouldn’t even see her,” he hissed. “We can turn around and leave.”

“It’s okay. I’m not expecting much. But I need to be able to look myself in the mirror about it. When she’s gone like my dad, I don’t want to question what I’ve done. That’s why I’m going. For me.”

James was quiet for a moment. Then, he nodded. “Let’s do it.”

We knocked, and a man answered the door. The husband, Iguessed. He had a tanklike build, a bald head, and a big smile. As heapproached to greet us, I took an instinctive step back.

James recovered quickly and held out his hand. “Hi, I’m James.”

“George.”They shook hands, and George turned to me with a smile.

“Phin.” I offered mine, trying to be friendlier. George gave mea half hug and half back pat. It was awkward but kind of sweet.

Mom came up behind George hesitantly.

“Samantha, go hug your boy,” George prompted.

“Of course.” Mom smiled weakly. She was as I remembered her, pencil-thin and pretty, in a sophisticated way. Her hair was dark like mine, only streaked with some gray, her eyes a sharp green. I got my height from Dad, so I had to bend to embrace her. She was brittle in my arms and let me go quickly.

Her texts to come to the wedding, I’d always wondered if she was doing it to save face with her new husband. He had kids, if I recalled the few updates and pictures sent. Maybe Mom couldn’t not invite me? Maybe he’d even been the one to encourage her to send those updates, too. I wouldn’t be surprised.

I wanted to brace myself against the wall. My knees felt shaky. How would I know why she’d invited me to that wedding any more than I knew why she shut me out so many times?

Long-repressed nerves shot through me. I hadn’t spoken to her about anything important for years. Our relationship had always been complicated. More so after Dad’s death. I couldn’t read her expression. It was too shuttered. Mom hid her feelings well. Like me.

Or I used to be like that. James was beside me, his hand on my shoulder, his gaze so kind and caring as he offered me his support with his eyes. It gave me courage.

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