Page 12 of Nerdy Dirty Valentine

I should tell him that.

He didn’t need me.

“We can do it through Valentine’s,” I said instead. “If I can’t teach you to be a successful date by then, we’ll quit.”

CHAPTER

FIVE

I opened the door and let James inside. Nobody had actually visited my place before him. But if James was to decorate, he needed to see where I lived.

“Caramel macchiato.” He placed the cup in my hand.

“Thanks. You don’t have to keep bringing me coffee.”

“I don’t mind. And I got one, too.”

“Actually, that’s a good dating move.”

“It is?” His eyes widened. “I was just being nice.”

“But you paid attention. And when you date, that’s key. You want to be ready to do things for somebody else or take them places they like. That’s even better. For example, where do you like to go?”

“Bookstores. And I like the movies.” He frowned. “I’m not exciting, am I? I bet you like skydiving, dancing, or rock climbing.”

“All of the above.” I took a sip of my coffee and smiled. “Would you go rock climbing with me?”

“Maybe I’ll dance, Phin. Not risk my limbs.”

“Fair enough. We can dance here for practice a few times before hitting the clubs.”

James groaned. “I was joking.”

“It’s still an excellent idea. Many gay men like to dance.”

James rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m not a good dancer. I’m not… comfortable with my body.”

I swallowed the coffee, trying to figure out what to say. James had a lithe, fine-boned type of body. I saw nothing wrong with it. He had creamy skin, thick hair, a graceful-looking neck that I wouldn’t mind nibbling on… A thought occurred to me. “Is it because of me and that nickname? ’Cause if so, I’ll let you dump this delicious macchiato on my head.”

“No, not totally. And your friends were much worse to me after you’d gone, so no need to dump coffee. It’s me. I’m so awkward, always have been.” He gazed at me with his big blue eyes. “It’s easy for somebody like you, who looks… like you do.” James drew a shaky breath. “The truth is my body image has been a struggle for me. I skipped two grades by middle school, and I think that was part of it. Also, my older brother was athletic and outgoing, and I desperately idolized him. I followed him around as much as I could. He was popular and dating his first wife, Maggie, by junior high. In contrast, I took my time coming out to my parents, bothered every time they asked me if I had found a girlfriend yet.”

Wincing, I could only nod. My mom hadn’t bothered asking me about my potential love life, but I had suffered that question from well-meaning friends.

James pushed his glasses up his nose. “I wasn’t ready to examine all that. Besides struggling with my sexuality at that time, I acted like my parents, though. And their expectations of me, well, they were different than Mick. I was pushed to excel academically, like them. They loved us equally, but they didn’t treat us the same. I became afraid of making mistakes, I suppose.”

“At least you didn’t get shit-faced drunk to forget your problems.”

“No, but I hide myself away. Behind grades or whatever. And I still have trouble looking at myself or trusting others to see me, I guess. And I punished myself. Telling myself my body was ugly. That I was too short, or too skinny, or too unattractive. I hated looking at my body, but I was always looking at it.” James gave a ghost of a smile. “Sometimes, I feel so uncomfortable socially and in my skin, and I don’t know if I ever can?—”

“Can what?”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” James went silent.

I clenched my fists, wanting to punch every person who ever hurt him, including myself. My protective instincts were all fired up.

“It’s okay. I don’t tell a lot of people about my drinking. If it comes up, I’m honest. But it’s not the first thing I say or whatever. And forget dancing. We never have to go if you’re uncomfortable. Come on, I’ll show you around, and we can talk decorating,” I added gruffly.

James didn’t move. “I do, though… want to dance. I’d like to change—that’s the point of all this, right? We could practice, at least. Not go right to a club or anything.”

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