Page 39 of Echoes of War

“I’m not testing this out on some random, innocent person. That already makes me ten times better than them.” I smirked, still not ready to give away the fact that I truly was panicking on the inside.

The consequences of my actions were never lost on me; I simply embraced them while others shied away.

“What we’re doing here, Amaia, this isn’t some game. This isn’t one of your silly little books. This is war. This is real fucking life.”

“You think I don’t know that?” I challenged. “Need I remind you that I have been through this before.”

I ducked underneath the arm he had extended over my head; he should know his intimidation tactics didn’t work on me. They hadn’t the day I met him, and they wouldn’t now.

Moving around him, I let out a wicked chuckle. “You wouldn’t understand a damn thing about walking in my shoes. What it means to send soldiers you know by name to their death. You may know what it’s like to take a life, Alexiares, but you will neverunderstand sending a group of people to an uncertain death. And death, that’s easy.”

I whirled on him, taking strides to put him in the same position he’d placed me only moments before. See how he liked it with his back against the wall. “Death is if you’re lucky. I’m thinking of the people who will be captured, tortured, and then turned. People who will have agonizing, bed-ridden injuries, or, hell, PTSD. I’m thinking of the people who will never be able to hear a bottle pop in the back of the tavern without taking cover. So no. I know it’s not a silly fucking book. I know this is real life. I’m the one who will have to answer for my sins, because where people like me go, to face and meet their maker, there are consequences.”

He glared at me, and I knew my words were harsher than I’d intended. But part of me hoped that if I pissed him off enough, he would back down and not get any stupid ideas of his own. I knew him at this point. Riley wasn’t here, but I had a new shadow that would watch my every move, not to mention put themselves between me and any danger. I decided weeks ago that I wouldn’t let that happen, so harsh it was.

“Fine,” he relented, “but you won’t be doing any of this alone.”

Damn it.

He left me standing there wondering how the hell I, of all people in this big-ass world, had become responsible for so much.

Almost forty-eight hours on the dot, Reina figured it all out. The eyes of the OG Pansies and the upgraded versions were different because one was lab-made and the other was of “natural source.” For the upgraded versions, they had become something that nature had never intended for them, at least not from their DNA. But we knew that already.

What Tomoe and Abel were able to powershare and put together from Reina’s discovery was the heart-breaking part. ThePansies were conscious … all of them. They were trapped behind a mental wall, and they would never be saved. We could not help them, no one could, not if we wanted a chance at staying alive. Every Scholar with seeing capabilities in Duluth had powershared, determined to find a cure.

None existed in any version of history, only many, many deaths during the lengths it took to try to find one. It had gone beyond science now.

It was a hard hit for everyone, but at least they all had someone to lean on. Not me, though—I had pushed or scared everyone whom I’d cared about away. The consequence of that? I would spend tomorrow alone.

My birthday.

Twenty-eight and I had nothing to show for it. Not unless you counted years of trauma, guilt, and a desire to make sure if it were my last, that those twenty-eight years would not be in vain. That time would give me the wisdom and guidance to make the right decisions, no matter who didn’t understand them.

I lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling. Xavier had known I had killed him. He had pleaded with me, those dark brown eyes coming back to life briefly, hoping I would recognize him, and I did not. Instead, I had chosen myself over him, ending his life in order to spare mine.

Tomorrow, I would have one last day of freedom before the rest of the plan moved forward at full speed. Reina was working on the last bit, trying to figure out how to perfectly extract what we needed for the experiment, and then, only fate could decide. Tomoe had seen different outcomes, some prettier than others. Until Reina injected me, until the sample mixed with my DNA, only time would tell which outcome would win.

Alexiares had avoided me since our argument. I couldn’t tell if it made me sad or not. Maybe he would be mad enough to change his mind, and then it would only be me whose life would be at risk.I doubted as much, he was as stubborn as I was. And while there were times that I admired that trait of his, moments like these made me want to curse him at every stolen glance.

His ears must’ve been burning at my thoughts. A knock sounded at my door. It was his, I knew the weight of his fist against the door at this point. He would wait there, hoping I would open the door for him. Most nights I did, other nights he waited a moment before leaving, giving me a chance to reconsider. Tonight would not be one of those nights; I could tell he wasn’t going anywhere.

I kicked my feet over the side of the bed and pulled on my oversized hoodie I’d stolen from Sloan’s closet. She’d assured me it wasn’t Morgan’s, which was a relief, I guess. He stood there, sulking a few steps away from the door frame, eyes pointed toward the ground.

I waited for him to speak; I sure as hell wouldn’t be breaking the ice. I’d done nothing wrong, and the sooner they all accepted that, the easier it would be for us all.

He cleared his throat, then met my gaze warily. “I’ve found it … hard to sleep without your presence.”

After a few baiting seconds, I scooted out of the way to let him in. As much as I hated to admit it, I’d grown accustomed to his presence at night too.

“This means nothing,” I said dryly before heading back to bed.

The lock sounded behind me followed by thudding steps. He kicked his shoes off, then scooted in on the other side of the bed. “I know.”

There was as much distance between us as a queen bed would allow. The fire in the corner lit the room dimly and our eyes met. For a few painfully long minutes, we laid there in silence, staring at each other in the near darkness. His eyes glowing gold from the flames. Before I could stop myself, my fingers traced the outline of his jaw. He was beautiful, and I wanted to remember him exactly how he was in this moment.

No one talked about it, but the option besides death in this experiment was that I could become like them, the Pansies. Trapped behind a wall, where no one would ever touch me again, let alone, let me touch them.

He grabbed my hand, stopping it in motion and brought it to his lips. They were soft as they gently kissed the palm of my hand. “Don’t … don’t touch me like that if you don’t intend to follow through.”

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