Page 131 of Dex

“Something like that would break a person,” Daniela says softly.“Your mother must have been in so much anguish.”

“It upended her world.She started to retreat then, we could tell, looking back now, that something about her changed.How would it not have?The man she’d been married to and had had a family with, was a liar and a cheat, with a mistress and a secret family.Mom was so loving, but she became distant in the weeks that followed.I wanted my mom back, the happy, smiling, carefree mom who was always there for us.I didn’t like who she’d become.”

“You were all so young, Dexter.”She lifts up on her elbow, her large eyes willed with concern.“This situation was awful for you all.I can’t imagine what must have been going through your mom’s mind, but she probably wasn’t aware that she was shutting you all out.She was probably trying to deal with the shock of the news in her own way.”

“I should have backed off, but I was angry.I would snap at her, and argue with her.Jett, who was a few years older, kept telling me to cool it.To shut the hell up.He’d been hurt by the shocking news, but he was sullen and moody, and he was always out with his friends.Zach was nine, not old enough to fully understand the ramifications of the affair and its effect on our mother, and too young to take sides.And I still remember that day it happened.My Dad had missed my baseball game again.I called him Dad back then.Mom was sitting at the kitchen table, her head buried in her hands.Jett was away, on a school trip or something.I don’t know where Zach was.“Dad missed the game again,” I whined to her.He’d promised me he’d come.Mom had already made excuses for why she couldn’t.It should have been a trigger, a warming shot, but I was too young to know that then.That she was starting to lose interest in life, because she’d come to all our matches and school plays.She looked up at me.He’s busy, Dex.He’s trying his best.

He’s not doing anything!I yelled at her.He’s never here, that’s ‘cause he’s with her.Even when he is here, you act like everything’s fine, but it isn’t.

Excuses.She was making excuses.Like that monster needed anyone defending him.It was odd how we tried to continue our lives, despite the news about the mistress and the half-brothers.

She got up slowly.Walked over to me and placed her hands on my shoulders.She crouched down, and I still remember her bloodshot eyes.I’m trying to hold this family together,she said, her voice odd, flat, with no emotion.

I should have noticed the crack.The change in her.The coldness and distance that was edging us further apart.I should have hugged her and said I was sorry, but I didn’t.I kept on turning and twisting my words deeper.

Maybe he cheats on you ‘cause you’re always like this.You’re always so sad and weird now, and you’re always crying now.I hate it.I yelled at her, when I shouldn’t have.I was such a despicable child.So angry and evil.I saw the way her hands fell to her side, but she didn’t yell.She didn’t say another word.She just stared at me like I was a ghost and she could see right through me.And it made me even more mad.”

I struggle to hold it together, take a breath as the pain of that moment lacerates me.“I was evil.”I say, my voice wavering.The gentle press of Daniela’s body against me, takes me out of the past, gives me a cushioned reminder of the present.I wish I could turn back time.Wish I could take back those words.Wish Mom were here with us now.

“I went further,” I tell her.“I yelled at my mom and said,I don’t want to be here.I don’t want you as my mom, and I don’t love you.I wish you were dead.And then I stormed upstairs before she could say another word.I felt like I’d been punched hard, and I needed her to feel the pain like I did.”

It takes me a few moments before I can speak again.Daniela is up on her elbow, looking down at me.Stroking my face.

“I never saw my mom again,” I croak.“She was gone before we woke up.Drove off a bridge.For the rest of my life I’ve wondered if only I’d shut the fuck up.If I’d told her I’d loved her, and that it didn’t matter, and that she was the best mom in the world.Maybe then she’d still be alive.”

“You didn’t send your mom to her death, Dexter,” Daniela says softly.“You didn’t.You must believe that.You were eleven.Your mom loved you, and she knew you loved her.She would never have taken your words, the words of an angry boy struggling to make sense of his world, as the truth.She knew you didn’t mean it.She knew it.You must believe that, Dexter.”

I see tears running down Daniela’s face.She feels my pain as deeply as if it’s her own.I wipe them away, but she shakes her head.“Your mom was hurt by what your father did.Not by what you said.But I understand how it must feel for you, and I get that.I get how you linked the two things together.The last words you ever said to her, and then you never saw her again.But moms know their children love them unconditionally.Don’t let that misbelief take up space in your head, Dexter.Or your heart.Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

She rests her chin on my chest, waiting, giving me the time and space to work through my emotions.She doesn’t prod, or push, or demand.She’s everything I could ever want and need.

***

I wake up one morning with Daniela curled up beside me.It’s a weekday, and I have nothing scheduled.It’s going to be one of those lazy, sexy, feel-good mornings.

I’m about to slide lower beneath the sheets, wanting to wake her up by licking her out.But a notification on my phone freezes me just as I slide under the covers to position my head between her legs.

I make the mistake of reaching for my phone, quickly reading the message.It’s from my father and he wants to see us both in his office.Today.

I toss the phone onto the bed, and sit up.Hating this fucking piece of metal has derailed my day.

Daniela stirs, then turns on her side and hugs my thigh.

“Daniela,” I say quietly.

“Hmmmm.”

“We need to go into the office.My father wants us both in for a meeting.”

Her eyelids flutter open and she blinks a few times.“Today?”Her voice is still husky with sleep.

“This morning.”

She blinks up at me, her brows pinching.She’s become very wary at any mention of my father.“Why both of us?”

“I don’t know.But I’ve got a bad feeling about it.”

That low throb in my gut won’t go away.

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