Page 23 of Until My Last Breath

If you still have any doubts about the veracity of this account, I can only appeal to the testimony of my cousin, Colonel Fitzwilliam, who is acquainted with all of these details.

I hope that with this explanation you may absolve me from the accusations he so deceivingly presented to you. What they were, I know not. But I, once again, appeal to your kindness and sense of justice.

About the other accusations you presented before me, of my disrespectful behaviour towards you, your family and neighbours, I cannot say anything, but plead guilty. Yet, it was not until the early hours of this day, after a considerable battle reliving that dreadful quarrel we had and the remembrance of the deep pain in your eyes, that I was convinced of my shameful behaviour.

Perhaps, after knowing all the circumstances of my life, you might understand my reasons.

I was brought up to be a gentleman in all senses of the word, which includes being fair and kind to those below my position in life. I am ashamed to say that, although I believe I have done that to my servants and tenants, I did not treat other members of society in the same way. In mydefence, I must say I was never comfortable in social gatherings. In fact, it would be more honest to say I loathe society in general.

Yet, you have accused me of being selfish, and that I was not able to see beyond the material circumstances of a person. In a way you were correct about the first point, but not the second. As I said, I despise society in general, but especially that of my own sphere. The ton is a savage beast, sanctioning marriages without love, selling daughters to the highest bidder — usually ‘noble’ rogues and cads, heirs of our kingdom, whose occupation in life is to look for pleasure in the arms of a courtesan, or at the card tables of some hell, while their estates are left in the hands of stewards. Some of them use their new brides’ dowry to pay their infamous debts, while their younger brothers are forced into a life of hard work. I lost count of how many of my school and university friends had fallen into this social abyss.

I would like to say that most of those young women are innocent, victims of their circumstances, but I cannot. I have seen enough of the ton to know they are raised to deceive, to look like something they are not; in general, they lack compassion, intelligence and honesty. And, when they do not achieve their primary goal in their first two seasons — to find a husband — they appeal to subterfuges and compromises. Balls are nothing more than a hunting field for ‘proper’ wives and husbands.

And, yes, I despise all those things.

But the recent events concerning my sister, and having witnessed beforehand the deceitful nature of people I had known and trusted — all of which added to my concern of being equally trapped in a compromised situation and, consequently, a loveless marriage — brought out the worst in me. The distress of having my baby sister almost ruined by a man I once considered a friend — almost a brother — simply exacerbated my cynical view of the world and reinforced the barriers around my own heart.

So, when I saw you, such a beautiful and gracious lady, sitting alone at that assembly, I could not think in any other way. Your intention was to call my attention — as Miss Bennet was doing with Bingley — and by your mother’s instruction. I could see the mischief in your mother’s eyes when,even from far away in the room, I could hear her saying ‘ten thousand a year’. My offensive words about your appearance, therefore, more than reflecting what I really thought about you, were spoken as a warning to dissuade your supposed plans — although I was not sure you had heard them.

How I can atone enough to earn your forgiveness is beyond me.

Regarding Bingley’s behaviour, I must trust your secrecy again. I cannot doubt he was touched by your sister’s beauty and amiability; however, his infatuation did not grow strong enough to overlook the limitations of your family and his personal ambitions in life. His mother was a gentleman’s daughter, but his father was involved with trade, so to be accepted in society he needs to marry well.

Please, do not think ill of him. He lost both his parents when we were still at Eton and having known him since that tender age, I know he is a good man. Unfortunately, the desire for status has been a strong inducement in his life.

In the end, if Bingley’s admiration for your sister did not increase, I believe it was for the best. I know in a way I am betraying my friend’s confidence, but, again, I can only count on your discretion. As my admiration for you started growing, so did my understanding of your sister’s true nature. My impression is that Miss Bennet is too kind and too gentle to thrive as Bingley’s wife. I hope you understand what I mean.

I have no doubt your sister, who, in many ways, reminds me of Georgiana, will find a man who can love and cherish her for what she is and not for what she does or does not possess.

When we left Hertfordshire, my intentions were not to flee from an inferior society or unpleasant company as you have thought, but to try to forget you. I had never yearned for any lady until I met you. Your generous and kind nature, and even your interest in Wickham’s situation, a man you could not have known was lying, despite hurting my feelings, showed me how fiercely a defender of those wronged by the injustices of our society you can be. Your intelligence and wit, and even your teasing and impertinence, captivated me. My wealth never impressed you. Even yourstrong refusal told me of your character; you could not marry a man who you could not trust or respect.

Regarding my resemblance to my fickle friend, in not being consistent with my attentions to you, I could blame the responsibility of maintaining the Darcy legacy; after all, hundreds of lives depend on me. But I cannot. You are the daughter of a gentleman. Your family’s importance in Hertfordshire is testament to the connections they have in the region. Any excuse for this subject would be null. And regarding your mother and sisters’ behaviour, they were no worse than those of many illustrious families in the town.

No. The truth is much simpler than that. I was an arrogant and pompous man.

I am the sole heir of a large estate; hundreds of lives depend on me. I could not be taken away by infatuation. I have the sole responsibility for maintaining the Darcy legacy. So, I believed you unsuited to the position of Mrs Darcy. And you were right. It was never about you but your family.

How can I atone for such arrogance? If there is an answer, I confess, it is beyond me.

My undoing — or rather, my salvation — was that I have failed to forget you, and when I saw you again and knew what a fool I had been, I could only hope everything would end well.

I am not as good with the spoken words as I am with my quill; the result was what we experienced yesterday. For all those things, I cannot say anything else, but ask you to forgive me. My intention was to tell you, show you, that nothing was strong enough to keep me away from you. You are perfect to me.

I could only hope I could be the same for you. In my selfish presumption, I believed I knew about your feelings for me, that I was seeing in your eyes the same consuming fire I had inside my heart. I misread you in so many ways.

Please, disregard this last paragraph. I was led astray. Unfortunately, I do not have the time or the disposition to rewrite this whole page again.

I could say so much more about my motivations and feelings — that Iwould never have a mistress if I had someone like you as my wife — but I shall not do so, fearing it would be repulsive to you.

I can only hope this letter can mitigate my errors at least a little in your eyes.

Darcy

After reading the letter for the second time, a much greater shadow of regret came over Elizabeth; she could barely breathe. This was much worse than before. Never in her life had she felt the weight of her own shameful behaviour as she felt it now. All her contempt and annoyance for a man whose only crime was to have hurt her vanity, showed her how proud and prejudiced she could also be.

She read the whole letter again, seeing all the facts there mentioned, some unknown to her until that moment, some from another perspective.

The part where he hoped Jane would find a better man certainly spoke highly of his kindness towards her sister. That Mr Darcy would say she would be better without his friend — and not the opposite.

---