Page 61 of Same Time Next Summer

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I arrive at my parents’ apartment unannounced. I hug my dad with both arms and stay in that hug longer than I have in years. He’s not very surprised to hear that I’ve quit my entire life in one day. We sit at the dining room table and my mom keeps asking if I’m okay, hungry, thirsty, sleepy.

My dad knows I’m fine. “Sometimes you have to walk away from all the things you don’t want to make room for the future. Blank canvas.”

“Yes,” I say, and Gracie reaches over and takes my hand. She doesn’t say a word, but I feel the hope that she’s given me her entire life. My dad puts his arm around my mom.

I did the right thing, I know it. But I’m exhausted. Breaking out of a life that’s not working is a lot of work. It might have been easier to have kept doing what I was doing for the next fifty years.

I smile at Gracie. “Should I get unpacked? It’s been a long time since we’ve had a sleepover here.” We walk into her room, and I throw my bag on the bottom bunk.

“Oh,” she starts. “That’s where I sleep.” I am feeling justhow small this room is. I don’t know how Travis and I ever lived here together.

“That’s fine,” I say, moving my bag to the top bunk. “I like it up there too.” Gracie’s looking at me, like she’s waiting to see what I’m going to do next.

Her phone is pinging, and she looks at it and laughs. She types something in response and laughs. She looks up and seems surprised to see me still standing there. “Sorry, I’m just going to... My friend is calling. So.”

“Oh my God. Sorry,” I say. Gracie doesn’t want me here. Gracie is growing up and wants her privacy, and here I was hoping we were going to play safari and eat Twizzlers. Oh my God. I back out of the room and find my mom in the kitchen drying dishes.

“Do you think there’s any person on this earth who is more of a loser than I am?” I grab a towel and start drying. “Be honest, can you name one person?”

“You’re not a loser, Sam.”

“Really,” I say. “Let’s review the facts. I’ll be thirty-one this month. I have no job and no relationship. And,” I say, holding up the salad tongs for emphasis, “my twelve-year-old sister is too cool for me.”

My mom laughs, sort of. “It’s not so bad, Sam. You have your education and you can start again. And I’m pretty sure you weren’t dreaming of being Gracie’s roommate forever.”

“The last time my life was in free fall, she really helped.”

My mom places a stack of plates on the counter. “Are you in free fall?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I’ve been watching you, like for signs that you’re not going to be okay. And you seem okay, but I don’t know. Maybe I can’t tell anymore.”

I take her in my arms, and her head is heavy on my shoulder. “Mom, I quit a job I didn’t like and left a man I didn’t want to marry. I just need to regroup and figure out what I do like. I’ll be fine.” This feels good to say, like I am capable of being my own parent. “You don’t need to worry about me.”

That night, onthe top bunk, I get a text from Wyatt: I heard. You okay?

I stare at the phone for a bit, letting an odd combination of relief and fear wash over me.

Me: Well I’m single, jobless and homeless. So not sure

Wyatt: Did you do the right thing?

Me: Yes

Wyatt: I’m sorry I left like that. It was just all too much. I don’t know why I thought it would be fun to come out and help you get married

Me: Weren’t you already coming?

Wyatt: No. I wanted to see you, so I came. Honestly don’t know what I was thinking

My heart rate picks up and I strain my eyes in the dark to make sure I’ve read that correctly. He just wanted to see me. Lying in this bed and looking at that same crack in the ceiling that I studied for a year while waiting for Wyatt to call, I feel afraid. I have just made the first step towardgetting reacquainted with myself, and I am terrified of opening up to the tidal wave that is Wyatt. And yet.

Me: You could come back

I wait an eternity for his reply.

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