Page 60 of Same Time Next Summer

Travis: Nervous breakdown?

Me: The opposite

Jack comes backfrom Tuesday night tennis and doesn’t notice that I’ve made dinner until after his shower. “What’s all this?” He kisses me and grabs a spear of asparagus off the baking sheet.

“I’m celebrating, I think.”

“What? Did you send out the invitations? I thought that was tomorrow night.”

That was actually tonight, I think. I totally forgot. “I quit my job.”

He puts down the end of his asparagus. “Wait. Why?”

“I hate it. I mean it was tolerable when I got to go to different companies and sort of engage with people, but now that I’m stuck in my cubicle with reams of paper, I just can’t handle it.”

He walks out of the kitchen and starts pacing in the living room, like he needs more space to process this. I have a horrible feeling that I’ve made a mistake, that I’ve pulled the rug out from under myself. “Lots of people hate their jobs sometimes, Sam. I just had a full day of adult acne. I didn’t quit.”

I’m not sure what I was thinking. I was so excited walking by the Fresh Market and picking up food for dinner. I think I sort of thought he might be excited that I was getting out of a rut.

“I felt like I couldn’t breathe,” I say.

“Then you go home sick. Or you take a walk. You don’t quit. And maybe we could have talked about this.”

“Let’s talk about it now.” I sit down on the couch and wait for him to sit next to me. “I think maybe that whole flash mob thing was a cry for help, or even the last gasp of the real me because she was about to disappear forever. I can’t spend the rest of my life keeping strangers in line.”

Jack puts his arms around me and I fall into his hug. This is what I was hoping for, that Jack would understand and want me to do whatever I need to do to be happy.

“Okay,” he says. “It’s going to be okay. Eleanor has invested a lot of time in you. I say you just call her tonight and come clean. You’ve been under a lot of stress with the wedding, but of course you want to keep your job.”

I pull out of the hug. “Did you hear what I said? I’m not going back to that job.”

He takes my hands. “Of course you are. You’re good at it. You’re well paid. You’ll probably hate your next job too sometimes, that’s what work is.”

I do not communicate with Jack. I don’t know why I’m just realizing this now. I toss my words over to him and they hit a wall and slide to the ground. There’s no give-and-take, no discussion. “I tried to tell you I want to teach art.”

“Well that’s irrational.”

“What’s irrational about teaching?”

He’s exasperated and lets out a dramatic breath. “You don’t have a degree in education, you have no experience, you’ll make less money than you’re making now. Want more?”

I am strangely emboldened by his rigidity. Like I want to throw more ideas at him and watch them bounce off, just to prove how rigid he is. “Is there anything that you’d support me doing that is outside of the scope of your life plan?”

“It’s our life plan, Sam. Two kids three years apart, starting in three years. All the stuff we’ve been over.”

“What about three kids, two years apart?”

“That’s too many kids,” he says, like it’s a fact he just read in theEncyclopedia of Family Planning.“It’s too much tuition.”

“Plus all those tennis lessons,” I say.

He relaxes. “Yes, exactly.”

I’m relaxed too. I’ve loosened my grip on this thing I’ve been holding on to and I’m so close to letting it go. I consider tossing him one more, maybe asking what he thinks about a chocolate wedding cake, but I know. I’ve known for a long time. Jack has no idea who I am, and I don’t think he wants to know.

Jack is leaning back on the couch, satisfied that he’s made his point and that I’m going to fall in line. Falling in line has been my signature move my whole adult life. I want to lean over and mess up his hair. I want to replace all of this furniture with—I don’t know what; I’ve never even picked out furniture. I run my hand over the gray tweed of the sofa, and I look up at his handsome face. This isn’t his fault.He’s been up-front about who he is and what he wants from the very first day. I’m the one who’s been lying and withholding herself.

I take off my ring and hand it to him. “I can’t do this, Jack.”

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