Page 66 of Free Me

“My fucking game, Demir! My last game. It was the biggest game of my entire fucking university career, and you. Weren’t. There!” Goddess, it felt good to finally say it out loud, to hurl those words right at his big brother with all the resentment that had built up for—if he was honest—the last year or so of his soccer career. So many games, no Demir. But this final game…it had been everything. And now, it might be the last game Linus ever played.

And Demir couldn’t be bothered to show up.

Demir’s face got blotchy, and Linus swore he was trying not to cry. “I tried to get there, Linus, I swear. I had every intention of leaving work early so I could make the game. I did know how important it was.”

Empty intentions now. “Then why didn’t you show up?”

Demir’s upset shifted into a different kind of grief that Linus didn’t understand. Demir rested the crutch against the wall and folded his arms across his chest—a protective gesture Linus recognized. And he wouldn’t look Linus in the eyes. “Because I got a call for a last-minute appointment. It was a cancellation, and I had to take it. My original appointment was still three weeks away, and I couldn’t wait that long. Not knowing was tearing Oliver up inside. Brandt, too.”

Linus’s fury faded beneath the misery in Demir’s voice and the seriousness of his words. “An appointment for what?”

“For an excision biopsy.” Demir finally met his gaze, and the fear in his eyes punched Linus in the gut. “Oliver noticed thata mole on my shoulder looked different, so I wanted to get it checked out. To make sure it wasn’t melanoma skin cancer.”

Linus nearly fell over at the word cancer. “Was it?”

“No. No, the biopsy was clear. Thank goddess, it was clear, and I’ve got a tiny little scar, and I thought it was over, but it’s not, is it? Because the timing fucking sucks.” Demir wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “Other than Oliver and Brandt, you are the first person I’ve told about the cancer scare. Because you were dealing with something so much bigger, and our collective attention needed to be on you, Linus. On you, not me.”

“But…” He stared dumbly at Demir, unable to process the fact that Demir had been going through something as traumatizing as a cancer scare, and the only people he’d had to lean on were his husbands. That he hadn’t confided in Dad or Papa, because he hadn’t wanted to divide their attention between him and Linus. Demir had made sure their families rallied around Linus.

He’d protected Linus again, just like when they were all kidnapped. Just like he always had and always would.

“I don’t know what to say,” Linus blurted out. He really didn’t, his thoughts way too jumbled, his emotions pinballing all over the place.

“You don’t have to say anything.” Demir wiped a stray tear off his cheek, and Linus hated seeing his brother cry. “You have every right to be angry about me missing that game. I knew how important it was, and I chose myself over you by going to that appointment.”

“No, good! You should have gone. I can’t imagine having to wait for weeks to find out something like that. And I know the way Oliver worries. Your house is probably cleaner than it’s been since Gaige broke his ankle when he was nine.”

Demir cracked a small smile. “It is. I made a selfish choice by going to the appointment, and I was so freaked out afterward,not really thinking right because of the local anesthetic Dr. Burgess used and knowing I still had to wait a few days for the results, that I just went home. I forgot about the game until Tarius called and told me about your big win.” He cleared his throat. “I was so upset I’d missed it that I cried myself to sleep. Then Brandt woke me and told me about the car accident, and nothing mattered more than you. Making sure you were okay.”

Linus’s eyes burned but he couldn’t move to wipe away his own tears, not with new ones trickling down Demir’s cheeks.

“I know I wasn’t around as much as I should have been during your recovery,” Demir said in a strangled voice. “I was a coward and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Linus.”

“No, stop. You aren’t a coward, you are so brave, Demir. I had no idea what you were going through all this time. Hiding a cancer scare from everyone because of me.”

“I was a coward because I could barely look at you without feeling guilty, so I kept busy. It was the exact opposite of how I treated you after what happened with Dent. This failure felt far worse, because you lost your dream of playing professional soccer.”

Linus stared, stressed out by Demir’s obvious grief and upset, and not really understanding it. “What does missing my game have to do with Dent kidnapping us?”

“Because I let you down and didn’t protect you. Again. You lost your leg, and I couldn’t do anything to fix it. I fixed Peyton for Layne, and I couldn’t do anything for you.”

Demir’s bitter words finally began making sense in Linus’s brain, and the twisted logic became clearer. Since the moment they were born, Demir had made it his life’s goal to be the best big brother possible, to always protect his two younger siblings. And he had, to the best of his limited capabilities, because he wasn’t superhuman. He couldn’t predict the future or alter time or erase pain.

Demir had done his damnedest to protect Linus and Layne during the Dent kidnapping, and Layne had carried more of the emotional burden from that because he’d been six. He’d been more aware of the danger they were in, and he’d kept Linus distracted from what could have been a terrorizing event. Layne had suffered his own breakdown a few years ago and finally gotten the therapy he needed. Linus had hated seeing his brother in so much pain, but Layne was much healthier and more well-adjusted now.

But Linus had no idea Demir was carrying so much guilt over his inability to fix Linus’s leg. Or over missing the game and not being able to prevent the car crash in the first place. Demir thought he’d failed Linus, and Linus had to find the right words to keep his hero from falling completely apart.

“Come here,” Linus said. He beckoned with one hand until Demir dropped his arms and closed the distance between them. Linus carefully held onto Demir’s shoulders and shifted his weight so he could fully face him. “You did not fail me, Demir. Not once. Not on purpose. Yes, I was mad you missed my game. I was furious for a long time, because I thought you’d blown me off for work. And then when it was my very last game…that anger got toxic. I let it fester. If I’d called you out on it sooner, we might not have been so estranged these last two months. We could have talked it out, and you wouldn’t have had to keep this cancer secret for so long. I’m sorry.”

“Accepted and forgiven. But I could have done the same thing, especially these last few weeks when you were really progressing and finding joy with Miko. I should have made the time to talk to you sooner, so the conversation didn’t start with a huge fight like it did today. I’m sorry I let you stay angry, instead of finding my courage and facing the mess I’d made. I’m sorry for avoiding you and for letting you down.”

“You didn’t do anything out of cruelty. That’s not you. I think this time we each let ourselves down. We’re freaking adults. We should know how to talk to each other.”

“We’re adults who were going through some pretty life-changing stuff. I’ll be less hard on me if you’ll be less hard on you.”

Linus smiled, happy to see the grief clearing from Demir’s face. “Deal.” He slid his arms around Demir’s shoulder and relaxed into a firm, comforting hug. The first they’d shared in a long time. Way too long.

The first but definitely not the last.

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