Page 76 of Justice for Radar

One of the things I’d liked about this house when Rodney had chosen it for its big and well laid out garage was the bathtub up here. One of those big triangular soaking tubs easily big enough to fit two or three people.

Of course, I rarely got to use it. Any time I did Rodney would immediately start freaking out about the water bill and I learned fast not to argue with him about it. He would just suddenlyexplodewith anger and hit the wall or a door and I’d jump and be so afraid that I would be next until… until I didn’t have to worry about it becoming a reality when it did. Then I had a whole new host of things to worry about. Like if my husband who would cry and proclaim that he loved me, would kill me the next time he lost his temper.

Eventually, I didn’t have to worry about that becoming a reality either, because it did.

God, I was just lucky to be alive.

“Hey.” I shuddered as though coming awake and tore my eyes from the filling tub to fix on Radar’s worried face.

“I’m sorry what?” I asked.

“I asked if you had anything you liked to put in it, like Epsom salts or baking soda.”

“Oh! Yeah, under the sink.” I felt myself color. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he murmured. “And don’t think you owe me any sort of explanation, either. You don’t.”

I bit my bottom lip and said, “Okay, thank you.”

He shook his head and said, “Get undressed, and get in the bath, baby.”

I nodded and he got under the sink and started looking through containers.

“Oh!” I got into the tub, my tenderized feet loving the warmth of the water which was just perfect. Neither too hot nor too cold. “Has he done this before for you?” I asked, laughing slightly.

“What? No, not for a woman, but he helped me with the girls from time to time when they were little.”

“That would explain why he’s a pro,” I said with a smile and Radar grinned. He came back and dumped a liberal amount of baking soda and Epsom salts into the bat and I swished the water around with my feet to help dissolve them.

I found my corner of the tub that I was always most comfortable in, with the jets that hit near enough that trouble spot along my spine but didn’t quite reach it enough to be entirely satisfying and watched Radar disrobe. God, he was hot.

He got in with me and came close, and I moved, obliging him my corner so that I could settle back in the curve of his arms.

“How you doing baby?” he asked softly once we’d settled.

“I’m alright,” I answered quietly.

“Don’t lie to me,” he said gently and I looked up at him from where I had scooted down to lounge against his chest. He had me fixed with an intense gaze that bored into me and I swallowed hard, my throat tightening with a fear response and he shook his head.

“Hey, none of that now. You have absolutely no reason to ever be afraid of me,” he said, smoothing hands over my arms and massaging my shoulders. I turned my head forward and closed my eyes.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured.

“No, I should be the one that’s sorry. I said that without thinking but the point still stands you don’t ever have to lie to me or tell me what you think I want to hear versus the truth. Nothing about these last few days have been any kind of normal or anything short of terrifying for you, really.”

“It’s like I was just starting to get my life organized on this tray and someone has come in, grabbed it, and tossed everything in the air and I am waiting to see what else is going to hit the ground and break,” I rushed out. “I feel like I’m here but at the same time I feel like I’m a million miles away and I’m scared but I’m not, and I’m grateful but afraid and it’s all so contradictory and confusing and I know I am disassociating to a degree because my therapist told me I have a habit of doing that and that there was nothing wrong with me for it happening but I hate it and I just want far away from here but at the same time… and this is nothing against you at all, please, believe me – I’m almost scared I am trading one cage for another, if that makes sense?”

I rushed the words out, afraid to speak them to the air but trying to break the cycle so-to-speak and believe Radar at his word. That he indeed meant what he said…

He was quiet for a long time and I looked up at him and he was looking down at me, thoughtfully, the wheels in his head visibly turning just behind his eyes. He crooked a smile and said, “That was a lot to take in, I’m thinking… I just want what’s best for you. For you to feel safe, you know that right?”

I nodded and he kissed my temple, hands sliding down my arms to curve over the backs of mine, his fingers taking up the spaces between my own.

“I’ve made offers,” he said finally after a long ensuing silence. “But I’ve failed in that I’ve not asked what you want. I’m sorry for that.”

I bowed my head and nodded, suddenly overwhelmed with an unnamed emotion and I wasn’t quite sure why at first.

“It matters, you know,” he said, dragging one of my hands up out of the water. “What you want.” He put a kiss against my fingertips.

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