Page 81 of Between Brothers

“How did that happen? You’re usually so careful.”

“It just… did…”

She hugged herself and I took another cautious step forward. She didn’t retreat but she didn’t step to meet me, either.

“Seriously, Blue, what do you want?” she asked softly.

I halted three strides from her and sighed, “To beg forgiveness… to see if you still want me… a lot of things I don’t really deserve.”

“You’re right,” she swallowed hard, “you don’t.”

Ouch.

“Hayley, I’m so sorry…”

“Me, too,” she said simply, her eyes welling. She sniffed and they spilled over and my heart broke all over again, only this time it was for her.

“Fuck, what have I done?” I uttered and she looked at me sharply.

“I loved him, too… I mean, not like you obviously, but I did… and I love you but I couldn’t be around you. Not when you were like that, not when you weren’t safe.”

I’d scared her, and that made me feel like shit. She smoothed her hands down the front of her body and it made me ache for her.

“Where were you?” she demanded.

I cleared the lump out of my throat and sighed, “I can’t really tell you, mostly because I don’t really know… at least I don’t remember, not all of it.”

“Well, what do you remember?”

I barked a derisive laugh, “Nothing good, little one.”

She closed her eyes and swallowed hard, and I echoed the sentiment.

“Well, tell me what you do remember,” she ordered and I rolled my lips together.

“I’m afraid if I do you really won’t want me around anymore.”

“Well, that’s the risk, the price you pay, for abandoning your girlfriend when your mutual boyfriend dies.”

That was a fair point, even if I had never considered Cell my boyfriend, it was closer to the truth than it wasn’t; so I couldn’t quibble semantics on the issue.

I sighed heavily and said, “You’d better sit back down.”

She sank onto her stool and I watched her heart sink as she did it. I bowed my head and worked up the courage to tell her what I could remember, fully expecting this to be the last time I ever saw her.

“I don’t expect you to forgive me for any of the shit I did when I was drunk and coked out. Hell, I don’t expect you to forgive me for being drunk and coked out…”

“Just… tell me…”

I told her, and memorized every line of her face, as stoic and shut down as it was as I did it because the more neutral her expression became, the more certain I became that I would never be seeing her again.

No woman in their right mind should forgive me for abandoning them in one of their darkest hours… not only abandoning her, but cheating on her to boot… It didn’t matter how out of my mind I’d been.

Hayley had dropped her eyes and stared at a fixed point on the floor for a really long time. Finally, she raised her eyes to mine and said, “You’re right, I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for this… but I have to try.”

“Why?” I asked frowning, confused at her phrasing…

“Because I’m pregnant.”

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