Page 33 of HoHoHo for You

I held her wrist and stared at her, and Bridget’s eyes grew wary.

“What?” she breathed.

“Babe,” my voice was deep and rough from lack of use. “You’re never going to be alone again. Not as long as I’m alive.”

Tears spilled over immediately. I put the journal aside and pulled her into my lap, holding her and fighting my own wave of tears as she sobbed.

I don’t know how long she let me hold her, but by the time she crawled off my lap, she’d stopped crying and she gave me a brief kiss, then took the dishes inside.

Hours later, it was dark. I had been reading by the light of the citronella candles for an hour when I finally reached the end of her story—and to my surprise, Bridget started writing aboutme.

I’d never seen myself as part of this story, but as part of her new life.

But as Bridget reflected on her life, her family, and where it had all brought her, she turned her thoughts to me. With an aching chest I read how, from her eyes, I had helped her, listened to her, and didn’t give up on her.

She recounted in detail that moment when she demanded that I sign the plea deal that would have sent me back to prison. And for the first time, I learned that she’d done it because she was so in love with me and so desperate to take me back, she’d been convinced she wasn’t seeing me clearly. She thought she couldn’t trust her own heart, that she was fooling herself again.

She thought challenging me would prove to herself that I was full of shit.

But I did as she asked. And in her words, she’d never felt so loved before.

She wrote that three times.

And then, when I was already swallowing a pinch in my throat, she skipped to a fresh page and wrotetome.

~

Sam,

I don’t know what will happen when this is done. I don’t know whether this is going to work. I’m not even sure I’ll have the courage to let you read this—or maybe you’ll give up before you get this far.

I don’t know.

What I do know is, if you get here, I need you to know that I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you. And I still wake up every day terrified that you’re going to realize what a waste of space I am, and leave me.

I’m not saying that to make you rush to me and tell me it’ll never happen. I’m saying it because it’s true. I feel that. If I met myself, I wouldn’t want to be close to me.

I’m a basket case.

I’m erratic.

I’m a mess.

I’m unreliable.

I panic about stupid things like Christmas lights.

Everything about me ruins life.

But you look at me like I’m a prize. You treat me like I’m precious. When I’m with you, Ifeellike I’m worth something. I know it’s not fair to put that on you. You already carry your own shit, but now you’re carrying mine? It’s not fair on you. I know that. But I need you.

I have needed you my whole life. And now, here you are.

If this ever goes wrong. If I ever ruin this, I need you to know NOW, while it’s still good, that I see what you do, and you amaze me.

I have never loved anyone the way I love you, and I know I never will. You are one of a kind, and you’re the perfect kind for me.

Thank you.

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