Page 30 of HoHoHo for You

I swallowed and sat up, letting the thin quilt fall to my lap. “It’s okay. I won’t take it unless you give it to me,” I reassured her. Gerald had been really clear on that point: She had todecideto give it up. To let me into it.

Her shoulders moved in a tense little shrug. “You already know the story…” She looked down that the journal again and frowned. “Why does it feel scary to let you have the rest? I know you won’t tell anyone.”

I swallowed.Help me. I need wise words here.I cleared my throat. “I think… I think sometimes it’s hard to let go because it feels like… it feels like giving up control of it. Even though we don’t have control of it, babe. That’s a lie we tell ourselves. But it feels like that when we give it up to someone else. And with me telling you’ll I’ll watch out for you… I know that’s a risk. Like, it might come back to bite you because you aren’t the one watching out anymore. But…”

I pushed out of the bed and walked over to her, squatting next to the chair and looking up at her. She stroked her fingers through my hair and stared at me, but her brow was furrowed, and she was so tense.

“I’m going to watch it for you, babe,” I breathed. “I’m going tomake surethe world can’t destroy you. I’m going tomake surehe never comes back. I’ll stand in that gap for you, and if there’s even a threat… I’ll protect you. I promise.”

Her face crumpled and she fell forward, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and burying her face in my neck.

“I’m so fucking sick of feeling scared all the time,” she breathed against my skin, her breath hitching and her body trembling.

“I know… I know.” Leaving the journal on the table, I held her tightly, picking her up and carrying her back to bed so we could lay down. “Just rest for now. Let’s lay here and rest.”

She scooted onto the bed when I set her down, but her eyes were wide open and when she reached her side, she was still sitting. She pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged them, biting her lip, and staring at the journal laying there on the table.

I slipped into bed next to her, waiting. But she was sinking deep, I could see it.

I put a hand on her arm and she blinked, then turned to look at me.

“I won’t take it, Bridget. I won’t take it unless you give it to me. You can put it away and choose when it happens. You get to chooseifit happens. You don’t have to do this right now. You don’t have to do itever,okay? Writing that all down… that’s huge. I’m so proud of you, because you got it out. That’s so important.”

She nodded. “I can feel that,” she whispered. “I hated it and it felt good at the same time.”

I nodded. “So, it’s still yours, okay? That’s your journal, and your words. And you get to decide if I ever get to read it. Or Gerald. Or anyone else you want. It’s all yours.”

Her eyes welled and she nodded. But then she looked back at it like it was a vicious dog that might bite.

“Bridget, have you slept?”

She shook her head.

I sighed. “Lay down. Nothing’s going to happen. Nothing’s going to change. Just lay down and we’ll rest together.”

I laid back down myself and opened my arms, and to my relief, she took a deep breath, then laid down next to me, curling herself into my side and laying her cheek on my shoulder.

Thank God, she was asleep in seconds.

11. Inside Her Head

~ SAM ~

I woke to find her standing next to the bed, her eyes red and puffy from crying, but dry now and a little too wide. She had the journal in her hand.

I sucked in and sat up, but she didn’t move. “Bridget?”

“This is stupid,” she breathed.

I thought she meant the idea of her giving me the story and my heart sank. I reached for her hand, but she shook her head.

“I trust you, Sam. Of course you can read this. It’s just… please… read all the way to the end before you talk to me?”

I swallowed hard and nodded. “Only if you’re sure?”

Her breath hitched, but she nodded quickly. Then, in a quick movement like she was making herself do it before she lost her nerve, she held the journal out.

Suddenly,Iwas afraid. Not of the contents of that journal, but of how she might react to me reading. I took it as she swallowed audibly.

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