Page 98 of Prey for You

God, I was a shitty human being.

If Sam proved anything, it was that.

And it was the weirdest feeling then, because I felt little. Small. Worthless. Stupid. And… also loved, and wanted, and valued, and worth something.

I was worth something tohim.And I knew it, because even though he didn’t say the words, I saw it in his eyes all the time, and I felt it when he touched me.

He loved me the way I loved him. Which madenosense. But it was the stunning truth.

I’d liked guys before. Even wondered if I was in love once or twice when I was younger. I’dwantedguys a lot. Felt desirable. Felt excited and exciting. Driven to be close to someone. But it always faded—and usually exploded.

They were never who I thought they were. Or they just became boring.

I’d never in my life felt like a piece of me was missing when another person wasn’t there. Life had always beeneasieralone.

Until now.

Even that thought sent a jolt of panic ripping through me.

Was this a trap? Was he just a good actor? Had I been fooled again, the way I was by my dad, by the guys in high school, by that guy last year?

I was an idiot. I made stupid, thoughtless decisions all the time. I hurt people even when I didn’t mean to.

I was nothing.

I didn’t trustmyself,why should anyone else trust me?

But Sam did. Hedid.

And even though that thought made me happier than anything ever had, it didn’t change the fact that now I was left with this…hole.

Even in the middle of an existential crisis, my twelve-year mind wanted to pipe up with a crack about asking Sam tofill my holes.I laughed and hissed and dashed away tears that had appeared on my cheeks.

God, was I actually losing my mind?

Or was I just in love?

Because being here without him… knowing he was afraid and hurting… it made me feelsick. But knowing how much he loved me was awesome. Except it meant that for the rest of my life I would never escape thishollownessinside, right? And what would happen if he was convicted?

If Sam went to prison for years…

I grabbed a blanket from the couch because I felt very cold all of the sudden. But I was pacing and looking at my phone and reading those texts and…

God.

It was still more than a week until Christmas. Outside of this house, just thirty minutes down the country roads it would start—Christmas music that crawled up my spine like a spider.Pine needle wreaths and red ribbons. Santas and reindeers and… and all of it screamed death andterror.

It was the worst possible time to be home. Idespisedbeing in public at this time of year. I couldn’t even turn on a radio, let alone scroll the internet. I’d only made it out here because I’d known all that would disappear out here.

But Sam wasn’t here. Sam was out there, in the middle of everything I hated.

I realized I was crying when a tear splashed on the hardwood floor in front of me. I wiped my face and made myself think.

Which was worse? Being in the middle of that with Sam? Or being apart from it without him?

And that revealed that the decision was easy.

My hands shook when I dialed the phone. And when it rang, I prayed to whatever God cared about Sam that the connection wouldn’t drop.

---