I just didn’t fuckingthink.
And of course, those words conjured the voice of Jeremy, because he said it all the time.
You never fucking think—you realize people risk dying just to save your ass?
I shook off the thought and turned my head, wincing.
When Sam tightened his grip, I hugged him again and didn’t say anything.
Except I’d told him I’d talk. What was I going to say?
I’m falling apart.
But you can’t help.
That was the part I could tell him. But the rest? No…
I’m falling apart.
But you can’t help.
In fact, you’ve made it worse.
But I still love you. I just don’t like our chances.
I think I’m too broken, even for you.
Thanks, Dad.
27. In the Dark
SOUNDTRACK:Smokeby Willyecho
~ SAM ~
Leaving her the next morning was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. My mind kept coming up with ways to delay it, plans for lying, hiding, doing all the things that were only going to make this situation worse.
I waited until the last possible moment, but in the end, I knew Monk needed his car to get to work.
We hadn’t slept all night, so I stopped talking to her about five thirty and sure enough she fell asleep pretty quick.
Then I used every sick, stalkerish skill I’d ever developed to slip out of that bed, out of that room, out of that house without waking her. I was a coward, I knew. But the idea of seeing her eyes when I said goodbye… God, forgive me, it would tear me apart. And Ihadto get out of the house before it was light and people would be able to see inside the car.
So I loved her, and listened to her, and held her, and loved her again, all night. I let her sleep, and then I left, grateful for my friend who’d made it possible.
Apart from benign messages to keep our watchers from becoming suspicious, we’d agreed to go back to the burner phones—I was afraid of slipping up and talking about seeing her, or something that could get us in real trouble. She’d gottenout of bed long enough to plug hers in to charge so we could use it the next day.
When I got home, I sent her a text telling her I was there safe and to message me when she woke up.
But when I woke at three that afternoon, she still hadn’t texted.
That gave me a niggle, but then I remembered we had the pre-trial hearing the next day and she was supposed to meet with her lawyers that afternoon. She’d probably been running late. I’d wait until dinner. She’d be done by then.
Except dinner came and went without a call or text.
I looked at the calendar again, but there were no other meetings or commitments on hers. Unless she’d forgotten to add something to the calendar we shared on the burner phones.
By seven o’clock, I was gettingverynervous, and cursing myself for leaving without saying goodbye. It was how I’d done it last time, but maybe it made her mad? She was already struggling. I should have thought that through.