Page 56 of Prey for You

I’m getting old. I’m sick. And there’s nothing to do here but think or get mad and hurt people. I’m too old for being angry anymore, so that leaves the thinking.

I think about you a lot.

I know there’s a lot to say. And I want to say it. But it needs to be face-to-face.

The head doctors think it will help you. The god guys think it will help us both. Everybody thinks you and me need to make peace with the past. I don’t know if that’s possible. But I guess I’m willing to try.

I didn’t do it right with you. I know that. If I could change it, I would. But you gotta give me a chance. I can’t make it better if I can’t talk to you.

This isn’t a job. I’m not making you a mark. I called the guys off a long time ago. I only ever had them out there to make sure you were safe. So don’t go telling yourself I’m trying to get something from you. I’m not. I just want to make peace. Or maybe help you so one day you can.

The thing they keep telling me to do is try to put myself in your shoes. I don’t know how to do that. But I do know how it feels to have an asshole father that scares you.

That’s the part that’s hard to think about.

I wanted to protect you. I know you probably don’t believe that, but it’s true. I wanted to make sure none of these other bastards ever got their hands on you. I was going to make sure you got to choose your life for yourself.

Somebody said you’re a snitch now. That can’t be right. But what do I know? Maybe god is punishing me for all the shit I did. Or maybe life is just a fucking tornado and you grab shelter where you can.

Look, all I’m saying is, why don’t you come talk? I’ll tell you I’m sorry. I’ll say it to your face. Not on some stupid fucking text or email shit like these idiot kids do. I’ll man up. I’ll tell you the truth. And if you’ve got questions, I’ll answer them.

I just want to see you before I can’t anymore. That’s all.

I put your name on my list the first day I was here. If you ever want to visit, you can just show up. Or you can tell me you’re coming. Either way, I’ll be here. My schedule is pretty open.

That’s a prison joke.

Okay, I don’t know what else to say, so I’ll say HOPE TO SEE YOU LATER.

Dad

PS – They do a Christmas thing here every year for families. It’s like a fucking kids party, but its okay. The food is better than we usually get. If you want to come, let me know. We could do a different kind of Christmas. Everyone thinks that’s a good idea too.

~

I laid the paper down on the table and sat back, taking a sip of my coffee and watching it like the man himself might jump off the page.

I knew Gordon Reynolds. Everyone inside knew Gordon Reynolds. His crimes were legendary—admired by the boys, condemned by the men who’d grown up enough to understand their impact on the world.

The thing was, Gordon was one of the old guard. The kind of prisoner who had lost his freedom, but not his connections to the outside. Before I left, he still received lots of visitors—always men, always with notebooks, always listening while he talked and they wrote stuff down.

He’d been a crime boss outside, and eight years ago when I left prison, he was still a crime boss inside.

That kind of man couldn’t be trusted.

Except, when things changed for men inside, they tended to changebig.

I’d seen hard, vicious men get death sentences. Whether it was retribution of the State, or cancer, that kind of deadline turnedsomecalloused men into teddy bears, determined to do right while they still had a chance. I’d also seen it tip others over the edge into moral decay where they’d become nihilistic predators. It could go either way.

How long ago had he written this?

I grabbed my burner phone and texted Bridget. Hopefully she was still sleeping, but I wanted her to hear from me when she woke up.

ME: Babe, that letter is insane. I wish you’d told me. Are you okay? Of course you aren’t. When did he send it? How long have you had it? Did you ever reply? When you’re ready, let’stalk about it. Wish I was there to hold you when you wake up. Love you.

Then I read the letter again.

It was so weird. A complete mindfuck.

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