Page 88 of Every Chance After

Whatishe thinking? Is he thinking the same thingI’mthinking? Well, probably not the whole naked bird Marnie in Grady’s nest thing.Geez.

But something like it? Does he havethosekinds of thoughts aboutme?

I remember his reaction when Marigold thought we were about to kiss, how absurd he made it seem, and how determined he was not to label our outing a date. Hedoesn’tdate.Ever.Reason tells me that Grouchy Tripp has no interest in sparks, undressing me with his eyes, or nesting me to him. Soul Penetrating Stare is probably just Grady’s resting face.

I must go shields-up whenever I’m in his atmosphere. Or anyone’s, for that matter. This thing with Grady, whatever it is, will end, just like every relationship I’ve ever had. I prompt my phone and start typing.

Piece of cake. Don’t you have a cow’s rectum to explore?

No, but thanks for ruining cake for me forever.

A chuckle rumbles from me.

I’m getting you a cow cake for your birthday.

Yours will be a pirate ship.

The phone falls to the couch. I take a breath, thinking about my birthday. I never want to celebrate it again. Next year, I’ll lock the doors, pull the curtains, turn off my phone, and spend the day in bed, hiding under the covers with the cats if they want to risk being that close to me on my unluckiest day.

Last night, he insisted on seeing me to my front door. It was dark when I finished detailing my notes for the G&G.

“You didn’t get to fish,” I noted with regret. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I enjoyed today.”

I cast him a disbelieving look. “Really? Errands and light theft?”

“Truly,” he said. “But, are you okay? The thing with Ashe must’ve been difficult.”

I didn’t want to lie and say I’m fine. I also didn’t want to admit thatthe thingwith Ashe felt like having my heart scraped out by a melon baller.

“It had to be done,” I said with a light shrug.

Grady’s hands tucked into his pockets, and his brow crinkled. “I wasn’t always like this.”

“Like what?”

“Difficult. Angry. Grouchy Tripp,” he said. “Marigold has it right. After Emma, I defaulted to a shadow life. I thought it best to be numb, hoard my pain, and be what everyone needed me to be. But healing doesn’t happen that way. It’s a slow poisoning, holding the agony in. That’s what happened to me. It’ll affect you somehow, too. It’s better to deal with it as it comes rather than letting it fester into something worse.”

My head swam with questions, starting withsomething worse?But quickly circling back to him and wanting to know more about what he went through. Wanting to know more generally. What’s Grady Tripp like in love? In sadness? In heartbreak? Why does a man so kind and with so much to offer shut himself off from the world?

I couldn’t respond, but trapped by his signature soul-penetrating stare, I couldn’t move either.

A soft smile played on his lips as he took me in and said, “I’m here, Marina. Whatever you are. Whatever you need. Whenever you’re ready to fall apart.”

Then, when my silence assured him that it wouldn’t be tonight or ever, he left.

Now, similar misgivings swirl into a Marnie-thought-tornado. I don’t know how to bewhateverand certainly can’t fall apart. No matter how much my edges curl under the heat of my general brokenness, I cannot and will not let myself become more vulnerable than I already am.

The best way to fight vulnerability and stay out of my emotional rapids is by staying busy.

I scoop up my phone again and go to my Instagram account.MyInstagram account, not theirs, I remind myself, first changing the password.

I change my handle fromMarnieLovesSunny’stoMarnieSavestheG&G. I share a tasteful post featuring a picture of the G&G and inviting everyone to follow my updates on its transformation.

Then, I gather my supplies and get to work.

Days pass in a blur of sketches, ideas, and research. I construct a strong reinvention plan for the G&G and schedule an all-hands meeting for Wade and company on Saturday morning.

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