Page 17 of Love in Focus

That’s something I’ll always be grateful to Celeste for, no matter what. Realizing I’m not straight during junior year in college would have been a lot scarier if Celeste hadn’t been there by my side, making everything, even my ownsexuality, feel like just another fun adventure we were going on together.

In the now relatively quiet din of the Irish pub, I finally say, “Celeste. We have to talk about our past before we start this project. You may be able to pretend that nothing happened between us, but I can’t see you all the time andwork with youafter what you did.”

The smile drops from Celeste’s face. She clears her throat and takes a swig of her beer.

There’s a sharp edge in her voice when she asks, “WhatIdid? Okay, sure. Let’s talk about everything.”

I tense up, preemptively preparing myself for her response. “Why did you disappear eight years ago?”

Celeste blinks, as if that’s not what she expected me to say. Finally, with her gaze cast down to the floor, she says, “My mom got sick, so I had to go back home. Things were bad, so I couldn’t return to the US to finish my degree until the next school year, after her condition stabilized a bit.”

The way she explains it, it’s so straightforward. But there’s something off about her voice and the way she’s avoiding my gaze as she speaks.

I frown. “Is your mom okay now?” I ask, fearing the worst.

Celeste’s eyes widen. “Oh, yeah. She is. Or as well as she can be. She’s in remission. Has been for several years now, thankfully.”

“That’s good to hear.” I breathe a sigh of relief and sit back in my seat.

“What?” she asks when I don’t say anything else.

“It’s just…” It’s my turn to look away, but instead of the floor, I stare at the stage where the Irish Fighters are setting up. “I wish you’d have come to me and told me what was going on with your mom, rather than break up with me via text with no explanation. It made me feel like I meant nothing to you. Also, it’s been eight years. Like, I get that you had a lot going on when you first went back home, but what about afterward? You never replied to my messages on KakaoTalk asking if you were okay. And you dodged all my calls. Youghostedme, after we were together for over a year.”

KakaoTalk is the chatting app that almost all Koreans use, whether they live in South Korea or elsewhere in the world. Even though I blocked her on social media, I kept that channel open between us for all these years and occasionally sent her messages, in case she ever decided to reach out. But she always read everything I sent her without replying.

Celeste stares down at her hands. “First of all, I’m sorry for leaving like that. Definitely not the best way to go about things. I fully acknowledge that. I was—still am—the only member of my family living abroad. And since that was the first time I experienced a family emergency, I panicked when I heard that my mom was in the hospital. I dumped my stuff at Goodwill on my way to the airport and didn’t even properly withdraw from classes until I arrived in Seoul.”

“Wow,” I reply. “That’s a lot.”

She nods in acknowledgment before looking up from her drink. The sudden heat in her eyes is so intense that I’m taken aback as she says, “And as for why I didn’t reach out later… honestly, I didn’t even know you cared that much. You blocked me on social media and were already dating someone elsefour monthsafter I left.”

For a second, I’m shocked to hear that Celeste knows about James. In my head, the two of them exist in separate universes. But we all went to the same school and had some of the same friends. Of course Celeste heard about him.

“Did Kayla tell you?” I ask.

“Yes. I still talk to her from time to time. She also told me you got engaged recently. Although I guess you aren’t anymore, since you were on a first date with another guy.”

In retrospect, I shouldn’t have been surprised. It’s been several years since Kayla and I have had an actual conversation, but we still follow each other on social media, liking each other’s posts from time to time. And as her former roommate for two years, Kayla was always more Celeste’s friend than mine.

I let out a quick breath to reorient myself. My thoughtsare all jumbled up together, but I start from the first thing Celeste mentioned and take it step by step. “You’re right. I did block you on social media. That was childish of me, and I apologize. I was young, and I was hurting a lot, and that’s the best way I could think of coping. And it’s true that I moved on quickly from you, I admit that. But, Celeste, you didn’t tell me you were coming back. You didn’t tell me anything at all, no matter how much I reached out in the first couple of months. The only reason I even knew you were still alive is because the little ‘1’ disappeared on KakaoTalk every time you read my messages.”

Celeste’s eyebrows knit together. For a moment, I think she’s going to keep being mad at me. But then she takes a deep breath and exhales softly.

“I’m sorry I ghosted you,” she finally says. “The first few months back were hell for me. My emotions were all over the place, and I was in so much pain that I lashed out at the people who loved me the most. It was to the point that my best friend in Seoul almost disowned me. Luckily, he didn’t, but I didn’t want to say the wrong thing and accidentally hurtyou, too. In retrospect, I should have just said something simple like ‘Hi, I’m still alive. Will reach out later.’ Hindsight is a bitch. Other than that, well, I naively assumed…”

She trails off and downs the remainder of her beer.

“Assumed what?”

“It sounds so silly now, but I thought a few months wouldn’t be that big of a deal, since we promised we’d spend the rest of our lives together.”

My heart sinks. I almost want to stop Celeste from telling the rest of her story. But I don’t, because I need to hear this. I need to hear her side of what happened eight years ago.

“When things finally got better around April,” Celeste continues, “I felt weird replying to messages you’d left me months ago on KakaoTalk. So I tried to DM you on Instagram instead, but I discovered you’d blocked me. I reached out to Kayla, and that’s how I found out about you and James. It… absolutelybrokeme.”

Tears spring to her eyes, as if the memory alone is too much to bear.

My gut twists. Every excruciating emotion ranging from sadness to remorse rushes inside me.

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