Page 66 of Love in Focus

“Nat and Keiko left,” I tell her, still speaking at twice my normal volume. “So we have the studio to ourselves again. Do you want to go back there to talk about things? It’s too loud here!”

Celeste nods. I wrap my arm around her shoulders as we exit the bar.

Back in the studio, we sit down on the couch where Keiko and Nat were moments before. But now, the cameras are off, and it’s just Celeste and me, face-to-face, off the record.

I place a hand on Celeste’s in what I hope is a comforting gesture. “What’s wrong?” I ask, as gently as I can.

Celeste takes a deep breath. “What Keiko said about her family… it dug up a lot of unpleasant memories for me. My family is similar. I don’t know if I told you, but when I was back in Korea, my mom and her relatives pressured me to date guys. This was after I found out you’d moved on, and I was toying with the idea that I could be bisexual like you and Min-joon. So I tried it. But nope. It was horrible.”

I scrunch up my nose. “Ugh, I’m so sorry. Hearing Keiko talk about her experiences must have been triggering for you.”

Celeste cocks her head to the side in acknowledgment. “Kind of. But also, seeing Nat and Keiko like that, livingtheir happily-ever-afters despite everything life threw at them. For fifty years!”

She starts crying again, not full-on sobbing like before, but silent tears that trickle down her cheeks. Almost instinctively, I wrap my arms around her and kiss away the droplets. She leans forward, slowly making her way to my lips. Unlike the other times we’ve made out, today we’re slower, but more passionate. Gentle, but more intense.

When we stop to breathe, Celeste kisses me on the forehead. “Gemma, you’re always so good to me,” she says with a small grin. “Thank you for trying to cheer me up.”

I frown. Her words are innocuous, and in any other context, I would have smiled and said, “Sure.” But here, at this very moment, my heart drops. I’m not here, sitting on the couch with my arms wrapped around Celeste as she cries, just to try to “cheer her up.” I’m here because of something far more than that. Because Iwantsomething more than that. Before I can stop myself, I blurt out, “Celeste… what you said about Nat and Keiko… what’s to say that we can’t have that? Why can’t that be us, too?”

She stiffens, the smile freezing on her lips.

My shoulders drop, but I forge on. “I know you’re scared that we won’t work out. And I know it seems like we can’t have what they have, that we can’t have a happy ending of our own, especially because of our past. But it’s beeneight yearssince all that shit happened. You’re here now, older and wiser, and so am I. Isn’t that all that matters? Why can’t we try again?”

Celeste stares at me like I’ve sprouted another head.“Gem,” she says quietly. “I thought we agreed to keep things casual.”

Frustration builds up inside me as I gesture at her and me. “Does any of this feel casual to you?” I ask, my voice coming out louder than I intended. “Because, in retrospect, none of what we did together in the past month or so feels that casual to me, regardless of what we called it.”

She closes her eyes briefly, wincing as if in real physical pain. Her voice is low and flat as she replies, “You told me yourself…less than two weeks ago, that you’re not looking to seriously date anyone right now. Didn’t yourengagementend in November? And you were with him for, what, seven years?”

“Well, yeah, but he moved on quickly, too. And—”

“If it takes youtwo monthsto move on from someone you wereengaged to… wow, it must have taken you a week to get over me.”

I flinch, like she’s slapped me across the face. But the sting of her words is worse than any physical pain I’ve ever experienced. “It was a few months, and I already apologized to you for that.”

But Celeste is relentless. She pulls away from me and sits with her legs folded against her chest. “When’s the last time you’ve been single, Gem?” she asks, staring right into my eyes. “Really.”

I open my mouth to answer her. But my thoughts grind to a halt. I realize I can’t remember the last time I was completely single. Before I even met Celeste, I went out with a few guys from school here and there. And after her, well…

When I’m unable to say anything, she sighs. Unfolding her legs so her feet are on the ground again, she finally turns away from me.

“I’m not like you, Gem,” she says softly. “I love that you love people so much. I love how you can fall in love so easily and trust others again. You always see the best in people, and that’s amazing. It’s one of my favorite things about you. But that’s notme. While you moved on and got engaged, and Kayla got married and even had kids… I couldn’t do any of that.”

She laughs, but her voice sounds so broken and pained that it brings tears to my eyes. “Even though I’m glad we cleared the air about the past, I’m still so fucking scared. I don’t want to enter into something serious with you when I know I’m not ready. And nothing you’ve said has given me the confidence I need to trust that you won’t tell me you want to spend your entire life with me and then just change your mind a few months later again.”

“Celeste, I—” I try to go on, to tell Celeste that this time will be different because we won’t randomly break up again like we did when we were a couple of college kids. We’re older now. And we know better. But the truth is, I have no way of guaranteeing that. And it’s so clear to me now that we’redefinitelynot ready for what I want. Whatwewant.

She caresses my face and wipes my tears away with her thumbs. “I love you, Gem. I really do. I can’t even begin to express in words how much I care about you. Earlier, I completely lost it because it hit me how much I want to grow old with you. How much I want us to have what Natand Keiko have. But if we fuck up again, it’ll absolutelykillme.”

She’s full-on sobbing again. And this time, so am I. “I love you, too.”

Celeste wraps her arms around me, and I squeeze her tight. Although neither of us say anything, I get the feeling this is the last time I’ll be able to hug her for a while.

We stay like that for a long moment before she pulls away from me, wiping the rest of her tears away.

“Okay,” she says softly, squeezing my hand. “I’ll give you a ride back to your friends’ place.”

After Celeste drops me off at the apartment, I crawl onto Clementine. Burrito jumps up and meows before settling next to me. His warmth is comforting, and I wrap myself around him as tightly as I can without squishing him. Luckily, he’s always been a cuddly cat.

---