Page 5 of Love in Focus

Val goes back to her game, leaving me to marvel at her current setup. My friend is playing a first-person shooter game on one screen while also watching what looks likeJujutsu Kaisen, an anime, on the other. A stack of pizza boxes is precariously perched on the side table next to her computer.

It’s a miracle that Kiara hasn’t murdered her yet. I lookaround and don’t see any signs that she came back to the apartment after work yet. She must be out getting dinner with some of her other friends today. Out of the three of us, Kiara is the social butterfly, having so many different friend groups that it’s hard for me to keep track.

As I watch, Burrito, their ginger cat, gets ready to pounce on the boxes.

“Val,” I say. “Burrito is—”

“Yikes, got him!” Val pauses her game to scoop the cat up into her arms, just as he tries to jump. “Oh no, you don’t! Nice try,bichito.”

Burrito, at five years old, is now a massive male cat. But when my friends first got him, he was “about the size of a burrito.” Thus, the name.

“Plus, we read this article once about this cat named Burrito who got tragically eaten by a Florida man’s pet python,” Val also told me. “Kiara named our Burrito in honor of that Burrito, too. So that in this life, Burrito the Cat can live a long, happy life.”

I personally love both reasons because they’reverymuch Val and Kiara.

Val sets Burrito back down on the ground and says, “There’s still some pizza left if you want some. I got carried away and ordered too much.”

“Thanks.” After gladly grabbing a slice of pepperoni, I sit on Clementine to eat. The excitement I felt on the train is gone now, and without the adrenaline, I feel disconnected from my body. I can barely taste anything. But my handsare visibly shaking from fatigue and hunger, and it feels like I have a gaping hole in my stomach. So I grab another piece.

When I finish eating, I gently nudge Burrito aside to grab my toiletries and pajamas from my box in the corner of the room.

Like many apartments in San Francisco, my friends’ place is expensive yet tiny, and their closets were already full with their own stuff. So I got myself a new, dry box where I could temporarily store my things. Sure, living out of a literal box gets annoying sometimes, but I haven’t found any real reason to complain yet, especially since my friends are letting me stay at their place rent-free. I tried paying them, but Kiara and Val wouldn’t allow it.

“Collecting rent from someone who’s already at rock bottom is what a predatory landlord does,” Kiara had said. “And that’s not who we are at all. Besides, you don’t even have your own room! Just a couch. Save the money for the deposit at your new place. We already paid rent for the month of November anyway, so if you want to, you can pay us whatever you can manage next month, if you haven’t found somewhere else to live by then.”

I get in the shower and make the water as hot as I can without burning myself. Only then does some of the numbness go away. By the time I get into my pajamas, my entire body is flushed red from the heat, but in a way that actually feels nice.

I resolve to not tell my friends about today. At least, not yet. I only just started feeling normal again. I don’t want tocompletely shatter when I try to tell them about what I saw at work. Everything’s still so raw.

Instead, when Kiara comes back, I announce, “So I downloaded dating apps. I’ve decided to try casual dating.”

“Yay!” Kiara exclaims, at the same time Val asks, “Youwhat? And how’s that going?”

“Oh, um, I haven’t tried any of them yet.” I’m taken aback, since I’d assumed both Kiara and Val wanted me to get out there and meet new people.

“Wait, I thought you wanted me to date around,” I say to Val. “Since you said that thing about the hot photographer.”

“I do, but I was talking more in terms of in-person hookups.Dating apps… however.” She winces. “Let’s just say you’re in for a wild ride.”

I don’t know what she means until I finish making my profile and start swiping on the first app. For the first hour or so, it’s fun. I select the setting to show me people of all genders, and I have fun flipping through everyone’s profiles. Then, I try another app, marveling at the similarities to and differences from the previous one.

By the time my friends retire into their bedroom, though, my fingers hurt. My vision is blurry. Head pounding, I flip through the people I’ve already matched with. Some have already sent me messages, but most of them are unfortunately very cringey. I openly mentioned I’m bi on my profile, which seemed like a good idea at the time. But I deeply regret it now, since a good chunk of the messages in my inbox are asking about threesomes.

I’m not necessarily opposed to threesomes, and maybeif I were more adventurous or still in my early twenties, I’d actually have joined one. But there’s something very icky about the fact that people justassumedI was into threesomes because I’m bisexual, like my sexuality is a porn category and not intrinsically part of my identity.

Somehow, being bi makes dating apps worse. Sure, I get to flip through hot people of multiple genders, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I get more quality matches.

With a frustrated growl, I toss my phone to the opposite side of the couch. Is this really what modern technology has come to? All these innovations and we still haven’t found a more effective way to meet people? No wonder we get so many questions about online dating on our advice column.

I’m about to call it a night when my phone buzzes. It’s a notification from one of the apps. Most of the messages that aren’t directly asking for a threesome are just “hey” or “how’s it going?” but this one looks promising.

Hey, love your smile, it reads.Would like to take you out for drinks sometime if you’re down?The guy’s name is Craig, and I’m so tempted to crack a joke about Craigslist in my reply. But I don’t, of course.

I scroll through his profile. He’s a redhead, five feet ten, and works in tech, like many other guys do in the area. His pictures tell me that he likes football, has a good mix of guy and girl friends, and has a cute but generic Labrador retriever.

I shoot him a reply,Hey, Craig! How’s your night going? I’d love to meet up sometime. When are you available this week?

His reply is almost instant.How about Saturday?

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