Page 52 of Come As You Are

“Certainly can’t argue with that,” I mutter, the very idea of Lucas Burke procreating utterly vomitous. “But I… I mean, these aren’t for me. I’m just shopping for Matt.” Then I hear how that sounds. “Notthat I’m screwing Matt. He just asked for help so he can be prepared, because, well, isn’t it the personwearingthe condoms who generally buys the condoms?” I take a beat. “Maybe that’s unenlightened of me. It feels like it is. But if you’re not comfortable doing it, why don’t you have Lucas do it?”

“Oh, he’s just as uncomfortable as I am,” she says shyly, but also a little… proudly? “We’re both new to this and have no idea what we’re doing. God, please don’t repeat that. This is all mortifying. He doesn’t even know I’m getting them. I just thought he’d probably be too shy, and so I figured, well. Taking a leap, I guess.”

Lucas may be a virgin, but judging by his confidence—and pushiness—that first night, I have a feeling he’s nowhere near as “new to this” as he’s told Heather he is.

What a stupid fuck-faced liar.

But of course, I can’t say that, so I go ahead and help Heather pick out protection so that she can have sex with the worst guy on the planet, feeling decidedly the opposite of badass.

As soon as I get back, I trudge upstairs, eager to get rid of my new purchases. Matt and Salem’s door is open, a rare occurrence, and it’s immediately clear that Salem’s not inside. Matt, however, gives me a huge smile and throws out his arms. “Dormie! Did you make Big Papa proud?”

“Matthew, I really need you to know that if you evercall yourself that again, I’m going to throw up on every pair of shoes you own. That said…” I reach into my bag and toss item after item onto his bed, shoving aside the disappointment that Salem isn’t here to witness my triumph. “I sure did.”

“Oh, hell yes.” He dives in, and immediately makes a face. “Gingerbread-flavored lube? Seriously?”

“It’s festive!”

“It sounds disgusting.”

“Well, so does eating lube,” I point out.

He sighs and shakes his head. “You don’t exactlyeat— You know what? This feels too much like giving my little sister the sex talk, and I’d rather not.”

Ouch.“Wow, okay. Even the school player thinks I’m an uncool, immature little girl. Good to know.”

“Evie, that’s not—”

“I just bought youcondoms,Matt. Not even just you! Condoms for everybody!” I kick the leg of Salem’s bed, wishing it were Lucas’s face, and immediately regret it when my toe throbs in response.

“Okay, I’m going to guess that whatever’s going on here isn’t about me, and since my roommate’s not here to translate, I’m just gonna say thank you for these and ask if you wanna talk about whatever bug is up your butt.”

It’s stupid in the grand scheme of things, I know. Lucas and I didn’t exactly do anything earth-shattering, and Heather and I aren’t best friends. But still, holding back on her feels like doing exactly what I flipped out at Claire fordoing, and the combo of guilt and hypocrisy is a hard pill to swallow.

“You ever… wish you could make someone see what you see, and know what you know, but you… can’t?”

Matt narrows his eyes at me. “You’re joking, right?”

“What?”

He sighs. “Yes, Evie. I know this phenomenon very well.”

“Yeah, well, there’s that, and some drama from home, and I think I’m just gonna go take a nap and ignore the outside world for a while.” I head out, but pause to catch my hand on the doorframe. “Enjoy the gingerbread.”

For the rest of the week, I throw myself into the talent show, practicing my cardistry, finalizing outfits with Isabel, and watching videos of other people performing so I can practice gestures and facial expressions in the mirror, like the natural I am.

By the time the event actually arrives, I never want to do a card trick again. But I know I’m not the only one who’s been practicing to death; I feel like I’ve already seen and heard everything that’ll be happening tonight. Darryl and Jason from upstairs have been rapping in the halls, Kayla’s been singing under her breath all week, Henry from a few doors down has been getting us all way too well acquainted with his clarinet, the cheerleaders have been jumping all over the quad, and oh my God why are there so many jugglers?

I text Sabrina on my way out so we can walk together, and she confirms that she and Heather are heading out the door now and will meet me out front. Seeing Heather isn’t exactly helping my nerves tonight, and it makes me queasy to see her being extra cheerful and bouncy in her enthusiasm about performing. If I didn’t know she was getting some, I would absolutely know she was getting some.

“Hey, lovelies.” I overcompensate for my nausea by linking my arms through theirs and leading us across the quad, trying not to get bogged down in my ugly thoughts. “Heather, you nervous at all?”

“Mostly just excited,” she says serenely, and I want to hate her so badly that I almost do. “I used to be in all the plays in junior high, and I’ve been missing performing, so this is really nice.”

“Me too.” Sabrina widens her eyes to a comic degree and brings her fists to her chest. “I can’t wait to get that baton twirling in my hands again.”

“Your routine is going to be epic,” I agree. “I assume your sequined leotard is underneath that outfit?”

“You know it.”

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