Page 39 of Home Field Advantage

“Aproblem!” she blurts out. “You are a problem, Jack. I was doing just fine before, on my way to becoming captain and enjoying life as a popular cheerleader, and now I’m lying to my friends and hiding out in locker rooms and having secret dates. I had a whole plan for getting out of here and finally getting to be myself—allof myself—in college, and all I had to do was stay the fuck away from Atherton girls. This isn’t the junior year I had planned.”

“You think this is the junior yearIhad planned?” I can’t help it—the low blow slips out. “You think this is the junior year Cara had planned? Things change. I’m sorry life has gotten harder in the closet, but I didn’t pull you in here with me. You climbed intomywindow.”

“I—” She stops. I’m right, and she knows it. I don’t know why we’re having this fight, or if it really even is a fight and not both of us just desperately needing to vent, but there’s something under the surface here. I’m not sure what it is yet, but it’s simmering there, biding its time, a gator with its eyes peeping out of the swamp. “I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”

Never have the wordsI’m sorrylanded like a punch to the gut the way they do now, but I want her to take them back. “Are you?”

“Yes.” She tugs on the hem of her shirt. “No. I don’t know.”

“Okay.” It’s not okay. “Okay. Can we start again?”

She looks so tired all of a sudden. “What’s the point?”

I sigh and sink back into her chair. “Look, I know you had a simpler life before I came along, but you are theonlygood thing for me here outside of the game. I broke my family apart. I left my best friends behind. I play with guys who hate me for a school that hates me. But you literally send me, like, one stupid smiley-face emoji and it turns my entire day around. I don’t want to put something huge on you that you don’t want, but I think you might be the only reason I can stick it out here. I’m not sure sheer stubbornness is enough anymore.”

“That is so sad.”

“So it is.” And I guess that’s it. I start to walk past her toward the door and out of her room, her house, her life, but a hand grabs my sleeve and pulls me back.

“What I mean is, it shouldn’t be that way, for a million reasons. But also, honestly? It’s not that simple for me. I can’t dateanyonebecause everyone thinks I’m taken. I’ve pinned so much on this captainship, this one thing, and part of it is because I have nothing else to fight for. Amazing grades are out of my grasp, and until now, a real relationship has been too. And yeah, it’s hard to see all that work go off track, but it’s… not the worst that it’s because I’ve found something else I actuallywantto focus on.”

“Not the worst, huh?” My fingers lace with hers.

“Uh-uh.” She strokes the rough skin of my palm with her thumb. “But I don’t want to give up what I’ve worked so hard on, either. Which means I need you to respect it, and at least try to understand it.”

“That’s fair.”

She pulls me over to the bed and sits back against the carved white headboard, then waits until I join her before curling up in my arms. I love how small she feels, wrapped up in me like this. “I could’ve done sports too, you know. I thought about cross country.”

“Well, maybe we should start running together.” I trail my fingertips over her knee. “Maybe you can kick my butt into high gear.”

“If you’re lucky,” she says, and I feel her lips curl into a smile against my arm. “Anyway, I just… didn’t like the constant competitive part of it. Cheerleading lets me be just as athletic without constantly looking over at the person nextto me to compare stats or trash-talk another team. Obviously we have competitions and stuff, but most of the time, we just get to be positive together. And trust me, Iknowthat is the cheesiest-sounding thing of all time, but like I said, it’s not a tiny thing for me to have what I have in the squad.”

“That makes plenty of sense to me.” Her hair is so soft. I can’t believe I’m allowed to just lie here and stroke it. Despite our maybe-fight, this might be the most at peace I’ve felt in a while. Maybebecausewe were fighting, because we care enough about each other to fight. “Frankly, I’m jealous you have that. Do you know how ridiculous it feels that I traded in my entire life to be on a team and now that I’m finally on one, it’s… well, you know.”

“I know,” she says softly. “But hey, I guess we’re a team now too, right?”

She says it lightly, a little jokingly, but as soon as I hear the words, I want them to be true so, so badly. “A very secret team,” I reply. I don’t mean it to come out as sarcastic as it does, but I can’t hide how it would make a world of difference to me if everyone at Atherton knew that I did in fact have someone on my side. “I’m not sure that quite counts in the same way.”

She shifts out of my grasp, the softness of her hair brushing my fingers before it disappears. “You know I can’t change that, right? Even if I could come out to the team, there’s still Miguel, and—”

“I know,” I assure her. “You’ve been clear. And I don’t want to hurt Miguel in any way, or make anything unsafe for him.I promise, you’re not in any danger of my blowing our secret. Either of you.”

Her face softens, and her hand finds mine again. “Thank you.”

I nod, and then we’re out of words to say, and soon our mouths become too busy to say them anyway.

Chapter Eight

-AMBER-

Spirit Day is probably the goofiest day of the entire week, but it’s kind of great to roam the halls without really knowing who anyone is for a day. We all wear sheets with holes cut in them for our eyes, like the most low-rent of kids’ Halloween costumes, and while we’re supposed to take them off for class, not every teacher makes us.

I could probably get away with holding Jack’s hand right in the middle of the hallway and no one would know it was us.

Not that I want to do that, except that I really, really want to do that. I’m not sure what set me off last night, but I do know that when I dropped her off afterward, it felt like something had changed, in a good way. Like I could stop questioning whether we were Something and just think of her as my girlfriend. And yeah, we haven’t had any sort of label conversation yet—what would be the point when there’s nowhere to use it?—but I’m pretty sure she feels the same way.

And okay, maybe I do know why I blew up. Maybe I care what she thinks in a way I haven’t cared about anyone… ever. I want her to know that this athletic drive, this strength—it’s not just something she has because she’s our first female quarterback, badass as that is; it’s something we share.

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