Page 63 of Body Count

I still couldn’t say anything.But somehow, I nodded.

“I think that would be an excellent goal for us.Not only will establishing healthier patterns in your life help you live the kind of life that you want, Gray, it will help both of you as you work together to strengthen your relationship.And since youarein a relationship, I think it’s important to point out that adopting these healthier patterns is going to require work from both of you.Darnell, you’re going to have an important role in helping Gray integrate these new practices in his life.”

If Darnell did anything to acknowledge this, I didn’t see it; I couldn’t look at him.

“We don’t have much time left in this session,” Pauline said, “but I feel like we’ve done a good job of laying the groundwork for what we want to accomplish.I’d like to give you some homework for this week.How do you feel about that?”

After that outrush of emotion, I didn’t feel much of anything—I felt numb, and empty, and exhausted.But I managed another nod.

“One of the things you mentioned was that you and Darnell aren’t communicating the way you’d like.So, I’d like you to start with something simple.This week, I’d like you to have a set time every day for a short check-in.These areshortcheck-ins, but they should also be honest.You’ll ask each other how you’re doing and if you can do anything to support or help each other.By establishing a set time every day, you’ll make sure they happen, even if you think that you might not need to have a check-in that day.How does that sound?”

I had to work spit into my mouth before I could say, “Yeah.Okay.”

Darnell said, “Fine.”

“I also heard you mention that you feel like you’re not using substances responsibly.Why don’t we start with a tracking journal?However is easiest for you, keep a log of every time you use a substance.How does that sound?”

“I can do that,” I said.

And because I was in therapy now and healing and self-actualizing and shit, I didn’t even make a crack aboutwhere do I write down ‘did a line of coke off some dude’s boner’.

“You expressed concern about how you’re engaging in anonymous sex.We can talk more about this, but I’d like you to consider the possibility that you’re looking for connection and validation, even if that may not be how you’ve framed it to yourself.This is going to be one of your big homework tasks, so get ready.”She smiled, but she was the only one.“I’d like you to make a list of people in your life you have felt connected to, even if you don’t feel that way now.And then I’d like you to identify one person who you know will be supportive of you.Here’s the hard part: I’m going to challenge you to plan a low-key social activity with that person.It doesn’t have to be something big.Ask them to get coffee with you.Invite them on a walk.You can even schedule a time to catch up on the phone, if something in-person feels like too much.Are you willing to do that?”

I hesitated.It was one thing to text somebody on Prowler, to meet up and smash and never have to say anything more than,Get your dick out.Who was I going to call?Who, in my entire fucking life, had I not shat on during the last year?I thought about Peterson’s offer of a drink from a few days before, and a flush ran through me at the realization that somehow, I’d managed to drive off every friend I’d ever had.

“Isn’t that a bit much?”Darnell asked.His voice was brittle—an attempt at calm, but a bad one.

“What do you mean?”Pauline said.

“I mean you’re asking him to—I mean, you’re rushing him.”

“What makes you feel that way?”

“Gray’s been in a really bad place,” Darnell said.“You don’t know how bad it was.”

“Darnell—”

“He needed time to himself.Time away from people.To heal.”

“Let’s all take a calming breath.”

“I don’t know what’s so wrong about needing some time and privacy!”

Pauline waited a beat for the shout to die away.“Why don’t we ask Gray if he feels like he’s being rushed?”

I felt the blush in my face intensify as their gazes settled on me, and I kept my eyes on Pauline as I said, “I don’t know.”

“Gray, it’s always your choice to do what you think is best.But you go to work.You do your job.You go shopping and run errands and live your life.You’re not a shut-in.I think you’re ready for this.”

“Did you honestly just use the word shut-in?”Darnell asked.

Pauline took a calming breath of her own before she said, “I’d like to give you one more assignment for the week.”

Darnell’s scoff was unmistakable.

“We haven’t talked much about the accident—”

“It wasn’t a fucking accident.”The words tore their way out of me.“I don’t know why everyone keeps calling it a fucking accident.That psycho bitch rigged a homemade bomb.How the fuck is that an accident?”They were both looking at me.Darnell, for some strange reason, practically radiated satisfaction.I dropped my eyes, ran my hands over my knees for what felt like the hundredth time, and muttered, “Sorry.What’s the homework, or whatever?”

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