Page 54 of By the Book
“Don’t do that,” I said.
Bobby looked at me.
“I don’t want you to do that.”
“Do what?”
“Make this your thing. This is my thing. I’m the one who messed up.”
“I’m not—”
“I didn’t pay the light bill.”
Bobby blinked. “I know. You forgot—”
“No, I didn’tforgetto pay it. I just didn’t pay it. For, like, months, Bobby. That’s why they turned the power off.”
Several seconds passed as Bobby seemed to do some kind of internal calculus. Then, in a tone of utter bafflement, he said, “Why?”
“Because I didn’t have enough money. I’ve used up all my savings. My parents cut me off. I’ve got nothing left. I’m behind on the other utilities too.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? I could have helped you.” A hint of hurt showed behind his usual composure. “Dash, I can’t believe you didn’t say something.”
“I know. I know I should have talked to you. I know I should have told you what was going on.” I drew a deep breath. “But there’s this part of me that didn’t want to, I don’t know, give up.”
“It’s not giving up—”
“Bobby, please. Let me finish.”
After a moment, he nodded.
“There’s always been someone in my life to take care of me. To do the stuff I didn’t want to do. The whole time I was with Hugo, he took care of me. And before that, my parents took care of me. I mean, they were wrapped up in themselves the whole time, but they made it easy for me to avoid anything even resembling adult responsibilities. They’re still trying to take care of me, actually—all this stuff with Phil, and my writing career. They want to make it easy for me, even though I’ve asked them not to. They drive me crazy, but I know they’re trying to help.” I stopped. Scratched the back of my head. “Hugo paid all the bills.He cleaned the condo. He told me when we were on a diet and when we could have a cheat meal. I didn’t like that. I didn’t like Hugo making all the decisions. But I also didn’t know how to do it any differently. And yeah, part of that was Hugo being Hugo. He’s not a bad person. But he can also be, well, suffocating. But part of it was that, when things get hard, I have this habit of taking the easy way out. I don’t like that about myself. I don’t want to keep doing that. When I came to Hastings Rock, it was the first time I genuinely felt free.”
Seconds ticked past before he said stiffly, “And I’m suffocating you too.”
“No. God, no. Bobby, I love you.”
“You loved Hugo.”
“No. I thought I loved Hugo. Or—or I wondered if I loved him. Or I thought I should love him. But I didn’t love him. I love you.”
Outside, a gull screeched, and then the silence plummeted down again. When Bobby spoke, his voice still held some of that stiffness. “I love you too.”
“One of the reasons I wanted to start over was because I wanted to—I wanted not to be the same person I’d always been. I wanted a chance to be myself, not just Jonny and Patricia’s accessory, and not Hugo’s project. It turns out, I’m not that great at a lot of this stuff. I’m lazy. I’m selfish. I’d way rather play video games than write. I’m clearly not a financial whiz. And yeah, I messed up. But those mistakes are mine, you know? I got to make them. That matters to me. Maybe nobody else can see it, but I’m a different person than I was when I came here. And I want to keep growing. Someday, I want to be the kind of guy who deserves you.”
Bobby took slow, deep breaths. He reached up, brushed my hair back from my forehead, and said, “You’re not lazy. And you’re not selfish. You’ve helped so many people since you camehere. You’ve helped me. I don’t know what my life would be like if I hadn’t met you. I don’t want to know what my life would be like without you.”
My throat was dry, but somehow I managed to say, “It definitely wouldn’t involve as many donuts.”
He didn’t say anything to that. He watched me, considering. And then he said, “If there’s something wrong, I want to help.”
“I know you do.”
“No, I’m saying—” A rare moment of vulnerability left his expression transparent, and I watched him search for words. “Dash, you’re right. It’s important that you get to make decisions. Make mistakes. All of that. You’ve had a lot of people in your life try to—to make you whatever they wanted you to be, and I don’t want to be one of them. I want you to be whoever you want to be, because I think you’re wonderful.” His hands found mine, and his thumbs chafed my knuckles. “But it’s hard for me not to want to—to fix things. There’s this part of me that thinks if I just try hard enough, I can fix anything. That there’s something I could have done better. I know I need to leave room for you to make your own decisions. But I also think part of being in a relationship is being a team. We’re a team, you and I. I love you. Iwantto help you. I want to make everything better for you.” A shadow of that goofy grin slipped out. “Like making sure you don’t die of scurvy before you turn thirty.”
“Okay, but first of all, one juice box of Hi-C has enough vitamins—”
“You need to talk to me about the big stuff,” Bobby said, his voice firm and calm and even. “And I’ll work on not trying to fix everything. Deal?”
