Page 91 of When the Smoke Clears

“Before her?” I ask for clarity, but based on recent events, I already know the answer.

Her head shakes. “No. While he was married to her. She claimed to have caught him.”

I hadn’t made a decision about when or how to much to tell Maci. Knowing these details, now may be better.

“She said the gambling was a lie. His money troubles had to do with the other wife.”

I straighten against the bench. “How would that work?”

“I’m not sure exactly. She said the wife was in another state.”

Kathryn is in Arizona, but the timeline doesn’t fit. “And this was a legal marriage?”

She shrugs, but it’s not dismissive. “I really don’t know. Did you ever have reason to believe there was someone else?”

I sigh heavily.

“You did,” she says, only half-surprised.

I shake my head and lift a hand to stop her spiraling. “I never thought about it. Not until recently.”

Maci’s head juts forward on her neck. “I’m sorry, what do you mean? Did you think he may be having an affair or not?”

There’s that dramatic flair. She really is exhausting sometimes.

Her head cocks in annoyance at me. She’s so young still. Untamed. I wonder if she’ll soften in time.

“I didn’t consider it,” I say, staring out into the water again, twenty years of emotions swirling inside. Once again, I question how in the hell I got here. “I didn’t pay attention.”

“You’re telling me you didn’t care to know if he was being faithful?” Her tone piques. “Why were you married to him?”

Cool tears drip onto my cheeks, but I ignore them. “I didn’t care. I didn’t love him; he didn’t love me. I couldn’t afford to marry for love again.”

She gapes, whether at my admission or my emotion, I’m not sure.

“James destroyed me. He was everything to me. The love of my life. When I found out that his past was dangerous, I ran. I didn’t think it through. In the moment, I thought I was making the right decision, the safe decision, but I wasn’t. It was a mistake.” My voice catches, and the dam I’ve held for so long threatens to break, but now isn’t the time.

“I never made the safe decisions. Mother would tell you I was the wild one of Randi and me. I know that seems impossible to you.”

She doesn’t respond.

“I couldn’t bear to tell Mother of the mistake I’d made. Running away to Vegas to marry the love of my life, only to find out he was connected to the mafia.” A sardonic laugh breaks free as I continue. “She and Randicould notunderstand why I wouldn’t talk through things with him. They adored him. His charm, his accent, his looks. Even if Mother thought I was rash in eloping—and she was fit to be tied when I told her—they were still so fond of him.” I close my eyes. “He never came for me, either.”

Maci stares at me wordlessly as she processes.

“I spent years trying to be the practiced, responsible person I thought Mother had always wanted me to be. To make up for my stupid decisions. When I met Alan, he offered stability. I didn’t need love. I’d had the one great love and ruined it. I wasn’t taking that chance again. Mother loathed him, though. She couldn’t see it. She wouldn’t let James go.”

Silence remains unbroken between us for several minutes. Maci’s eyes scan the ground, though glazed over.

“He did have an affair.” I turn back to her. “Maybe multiple. I don’t even know if affair is the right word, but Melissa told the truth. I don’t know what she means about the gambling, though.”

Maci leans forward. “Wait, he did—wha—” She flubs her words but doesn’t attempt to correct them.

“When he arrived after you called about Colt, I started putting things together that I’d noticed through the years. Things I didn’t care about enough to consider before, but painted a different story than the one he tells.”

Years of being under a figurative microscope make me hesitant to share more, but I know Maci won’t let this go without something solid. “I got into his phone.” Her eyes bug and her mouth hangs open. “I reached out to a woman he had recent contact with. She claims to be a wife. She was quite stunned to hear that I’m also his wife, but we agreed to speak again.”

“So what now?”

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