Page 44 of When the Smoke Clears

When I met James, I finally felt seen. He met my wildness with his own calm nature, accepting me completely as is and setting my soul at ease. I thought our marriage meant happily ever after.

I should’ve known better.

We needed to be close to family after I left James, so I got Maci and me a little apartment in the city. I hoped that keeping us out of Bull Creek meant we wouldn’t run into James. And even if anyone did come after him, maybe they’d be just as happy that we were gone.

As if the fear and shame of my decision to leave wasn’t enough, I was terrified Maci would see through me. Looking at her daily cracked my heart bit by bit. I still tried. I tried to be the perfect model for her.

Instead, Mother undermined me, and Maci all but disowned me.

Not when she was little. Those first few years she clung to me, her little arms a vise. I couldn’t keep her out of my bed; she was terrified I’d be gone in the morning. Talking her through her worries never seemed to help.

Then one day, the pendulum started swinging the opposite direction. She didn’t crawl into bed with me. She made herself breakfast in the morning. I thought she was starting to feel steadier, comfortable. It wasn’t until later that I realized she was burning our bridge, plank by plank.

Maybe I started the fire.

I tried to be everything, but without James I was nothing.

With Alan, I’m still nothing. A permanent trophy wife who acts as a secretary or a mistress as it suits him.

The more I sit with everything tumbling around in my head, the more convinced I become that Maci’s assessment has always been accurate. I’m not blind to Alan’s shortcomings, but I did think we had some sort of unspoken agreement.

I’m convinced now that I’ve allowed myself to be a pawn instead of a queen.

Not anymore.

I’m calling Maci before I’ve thought things through. She picks up on the second ring.

“Maci.” My tone is once again tight. She thinks it’s because I don’t care, but I do—it’s just habit out of need for control. Not that I’ve had it for a while.

“Stephanie. Are you ok?” Her voice is cautious.

“Yes. I’m calling to follow up on our previous conversation.” Everything comes out stiff, so I hurry through. “I’m leaving Alan.”

A puff of air hits the speaker on her end and she’s quiet for a moment. “I think that’s the best idea.” She doesn’t elaborate. I’m not surprised.

“I’m going to be staying at Nana’s house.”

“You’re coming to Bull Creek?” She sounds like a teenager who got in after curfew.

I huff. “For a short time. I’ll need to get affairs in order.”

“And then?”

By now, I should be immune to her emotional shields, but her words hurt. She warned me, encouraged me to leave, and yet now she’s back to being guarded. Will we never be able to mend our relationship? I never did with Mother. I have only myself to blame.

I don’t have all the answers. In fact, I have close to none. “I haven’t decided.”

“Ok. Well…is there anything I can do?” She’s genuine, even if it causes her discomfort.

Suddenly, I wish I was the mother who taught her to be herself no matter what others think, instead of always worrying what they do. Maybe she’s become that anyway.

“I don’t think so. I just wanted to share that I’ll be in town.”

After a pause, she continues. “Ok. Well, I’m staying with my boyfriend at his ranch. It’s not very far from Nana’s, so if you need anything, let me know.”

“You have a boyfriend already?” Jesus, she’s only been in town a couple of weeks.

She inhales deeply. “I have a boyfriend. His name is Sutton. He was at Nana’s funeral, so you may have met him then. Either way, I’ll be happy to introduce you.”

---