Page 107 of When the Smoke Clears

Without speaking, my friends approach from either side and each wraps an arm around my back. It’s a different kind of comfort than what Sutton offers, but it’s just as welcome.

“Nothing bad happened inside.” Leah lays her head on my shoulder.

I tilt mine over to rest on hers. “I know.”

“What are you working on today?” Izzy’s voice is soft.

“When Liv and Randi were here with me, we went through the rooms and decided what was happening to all of the furniture and belongings. I was going to start organizing things.”

Izzy snorts, pulling my attention from the front door. “Sutton doesn’t know you’re here, does he?” I don’t miss her accusatory tone.

“He’s not my keeper,” I grumble. “And I’m perfectly healed.”

Leah snickers, lifting her head. “So that’s a no.”

I cross my arms over my chest. “Why did I call you two?”

“Because you looove us,” Leah coos, then grins and kisses me on the cheek.

I shove her shoulder playfully. “If you’re going to annoy me, I’m going to put you to work.”

“Fair,” Izzy says at the same time Leah says, “Let’s go,” and pretends to turn for her Acura. We all burst into laughter and the tension of the moment is broken.

“Thank you for coming.”

“You don’t even have to ask. Now, let’s get this show on the road.” Izzy rubs my back and then heads up the stairs.

“Actually,” I shuffle on my feet, “I think I want to start in the backyard.”

She turns and presses her lips together to hide her surprise. “Ok, honey.”

The three of us make our way around the house and descend the gentle slope. It’s cast in early afternoon shadows by the trees and house. Every muscle in me is taut, and my jaw hurts from clenching. I work to shake out my tight fists.

Izzy, Leah, and I are about ten feet from the fire pit when I stop walking. My friends silently press their bodies shoulder to shoulder with me.

“It’s the first time I’ve been here since I…since I killed Colt.”

Izzy tries to hide her intake of breath, but I don’t miss it. Saying out loud to my best friends that I took someone’s life is almost shameful. My eyes burn, and no amount of blinking will clear the tears.

How do I put into words that the memories are not the only thing in my mind to haunt me? That I know I’m different than I was before Colt showed up that night. Different than I would have been if he’d backed off, listened to me, turned and gone. “I’m not the same.”

“We all change.” Izzy is quick to quiet my nerves, but this time she can’t. Acknowledging the change in me is how I have to move forward.

For weeks, I’ve been hoping that one day I won’t wake up and hate the choice I had to make. But I did make it. And I’m glad, because I want to be here. I want this life with these people. So I have to start being honest about the decision I made to keep building that life, to become Maci 2.0. And I have to get everyone around me to that place, too.

“Yes, we all change. But not this way.” My hands reach out on either side, finding theirs and winding my fingers with theirs. “I have to be honest about what happened, and you have to be honest about accepting it. About accepting me.”

I look between them, speaking slowly. “I am not the same.”

Izzy’s eyes well and her nose reddens while Leah’s grip on my hand strengthens.

“No one is asking the hard questions. You’re all walking around me like I’m breakable. I’m not.”

Again, Izzy’s mouth opens to protest, and I cock my head to one side, quieting her. “Colt walked into this yard intent on killing me. No amount of talking was going to sway him, no matter how wrong he was. He wouldn’t see reason.” In some ways, this conversation mirrors one I had with Melissa not long after the incident. The difference isn’t in what happened or what I’m saying, so much as my conviction in it. There’s no break in my voice or stilted breaths to contend with. “I waited until I couldn’t, but when push came to shove, I chose my life over his. A part of me knew when he got here that only one of us was leaving in one piece.”

I squeeze their hands in three quick bursts.

“You should plant something where it happened.” Leah finally speaks.

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