Page 80 of The Attraction

Initially I slipped into that post-orgasmic coma that had me floating in a peaceful place, but it’s now 4:27 am on my phone, and I’m lying here listening to Forrest’s soft breaths and wondering what the hell I should do.

I told him in the beginning not to fall in love with me, but he didn’t listen, and to be honest, I didn’t listen to my own words either.

Relationships aren’t my thing I said and asked him what would happen if I never reached the same page as him.

But I have!

I’ve fallen in love with Forrest Taylor, and I don’t fucking know what to do with that.

This was never meant to happen because love only brings hurt and heartache. And I don’t want that for either of us. My head is telling me to run, but my heart is begging me to just try. What if this time it doesn’t cripple me with pain. What if I deserve to feel happy.

Like I’m good enough to have someone fight for me. To hold me in a place of the purest love that should never break me the way my father did.

I like the burn in my heart every time Forrest looks at me. He doesn’t even have to touch me, and I know what he is feeling.

And the strangest thing about all of this is that I have some crazy man out there stalking me and my biggest fear tonight is that I’ve fallen in love with someone. That makes no sense, but it’s the truth.

Love scares me more than someone who could kill me.

Cherie is right. I’m fucked up and need to sort my shit out.

Maybe I should just stay a little longer. Because I know this is all about me and has nothing to do with Forrest. He knows what he wants, and after last night, it’s fairly obvious that it’s me. And I can’t deny that I want him too, but I need to know he’s not going to hurt me.

If only the universe could promise me that I’m doing the right thing if I stay.

My poor brain is totally drained from all this overthinking, and as I feel like sleep is about to claim me, I ask for whatever that thing is out there that guides our lives, fate or intuition, to send me some kind of sign and answer my simple question.

Should I stay or should I go?

Because right now, I want to follow my heart and take the biggest risk of my life.

I want to be loved enough that I feel safe to stay.

* * *

Waking to an empty bed was not what I was expecting, and as I feel across the sheets, they are cold, so Forrest has been up for a while.

I know it’s Monday morning, and although we had the most amazing weekend and I didn’t think about work for one moment, it doesn’t mean it’s the same for today. Regardless of my personal struggles, I need to get myself together and go to the office for another chaotic day. Because as much as we say we don’t work on the weekends, we absolutely do, and to have ignored my emails now for two days means there will be a mountain of them when I open my computer this morning. And Forrest will be the same, which is probably why he is up and already in his office.

I need to shower first, and then I will go and find him. Besides the last few hours of last night, the rest of my birthday weekend was a celebration that I will never forget, and that’s all because of him. I need to thank him properly because I don’t think the way I spoke to him last night really let him know how much I appreciated it.

Although I feel fragile and still not sure what I should do as I dress and apply my makeup, the more I look at myself in the mirror, I’m convincing myself that I deserve to at least feel love and try and see if I can get past my fears.

“I can do this.” Taking a deep breath, I turn from the mirror and pick up my bag and walk out of my room and down the hallway toward his office.

The closer I get, I can hear his fingers typing on his keyboard. And the moment I stop in the doorway, his eyes are on me and his hands are still. It’s almost like he is studying me.

I know he can read me, and yesterday he knew what was happening the moment I started to spiral. He could have pushed me to talk about it, but he also knows that doesn’t work for me. So instead, he tried with everything he had to show me how he feels. Because words freak the fuck out of me but actions I can cope with. Last night’s actions I could cope with over and over again, but they aren’t my problem.

Emotions are so much harder to deal with.

But I’m trying to brave and stay, it’s what he was begging for last night, and I think I owe him that much.

“Morning,” I say without my usual confidence, and I can see he is wary as he stands and walks toward me.

Tentatively he leans down and kisses my forehead. “Good morning, beautiful.” And sadly, his voice isn’t soft like it normally would be when he says that. It’s devoid of emotion at all, and I feel awful because I know I’ve done that to him. He is trying to protect himself because he doesn’t know where he stands with me.

It’s my job to reassure him that for now we will be okay.

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