Page 58 of Days You Were Mine

‘Waves? Surely we weren’t in the sea?’

There’s something here, a slight nervousness that I pick up on but cannot understand.

‘I meant the sound of lapping water. Sometime I’d like to take Samuel swimming. I think he would love it.’

‘I feel embarrassed to say this, but sometimes I’m jealous of Samuel. Because he gets to spend time with you and I don’t.’

‘Oh Luke.’ Alice reaches out and squeezes my hand, just for a second. ‘How could you be jealous of this little thing? But I do understand. The whole situation is a little strange, isn’t it?’

Samuel starts trilling like a bird and we both laugh; it lightens the atmosphere.

‘Yes, you are very clever,’ Alice says.

When the phone rings, I leave the answering machine to pick up, not for one second expecting my other mother to call.

‘Hello, darling. I called your office and they said you weren’t in. Just ringing to make sure you’re not ill. Kiss that beautiful boy for me and say hello to Alice.’

We regard each other, Alice and I, when the machine clicks off, me wretched at the duplicity.

‘It’s a bit like having an affair,’ I say, ‘only much, much worse.’

Alice smiles.

‘Maybe you should tell her?’

‘Not sure I can. The lie just gets bigger the longer it goes on.’

I look at the kitchen clock; it’s 10.30.

‘I should get going, I’m already late. I hope it was OK having this talk?’

‘More than OK. We needed it. Luke?’

Alice’s eyes are her strongest feature. A deep black-brown, framed with thick, long lashes, cartoonish eyes.

‘I am churned up. Same as you. But this helps.’ She drops a kiss onto Samuel’s head. ‘Being with him helps. Thank you for inviting me into your family. It was very generous of you.’

I’m trying to process this as I walk to the Tube station, trying to understand why these final words of hers slither in the base of my stomach with the dull ache of unease.

Then

Alice

It is a cold night in late January when the phone call comes in. Jake and I are midway through a black and white thriller on BBC2 calledThe Deadly Affair.

‘Leave it,’ Jake says when I start to get up from the sofa. ‘They can call back.’

The phone rings on and on. It stops, then starts again ten seconds later.

‘Oh for God’s sake,’ Jake says, crossing the room and snatching up the phone.

As soon as he realises who the caller is, Jake turns his back on me. He is silent, listening to the voice on the other end of phone.

‘I see,’ he says.

He talks only occasionally and I sit on the sofa, ignoring the television, trying to make sense of this one-sided conversation.

‘No, I can’t do that.’

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