Page 99 of Days You Were Mine

‘I’ve forgotten his bear. He can’t be without it.’ My voice is frantic, my eyes have blurred over with tears.

Mrs Taylor Murphy puts her hand on my shoulder.

‘I promise I’ll buy him one exactly the same. I think you’re going to need it more than him.’ She looks at me. ‘You’ll wantsome time to say goodbye,’ she says, and I shake my head because I can’t speak, I can’t see, and if we delay by even one second, I won’t be able to do it.

I pass Charlie over and he tries to cling to me, grabbing at a strand of my hair.

‘I know you’ll see him again, Alice,’ Mrs Taylor Murphy says as Charlie starts to cry. She places a hand over her heart. ‘I can feel it.’

I watch them walking away, the flowered dress getting smaller and smaller, the plastic bag just a white dot in her hands. And above the shriek of gulls I listen to my baby, programmed so acutely to hear him as he cries all the way along the beach.

Now

Luke

The guilt at giving up a child is ravaging and inescapable and a birth mother will normally react in one of two ways. She will become deadened inside, closing off her grief in order to carry on. Or she will become utterly tormented by it.

Who Am I? The Adoptee’s Hidden Traumaby Joel Harris

The drive to Southwold takes less than three hours, powered by Rick’s silver Alfa Romeo and maniacal driving.

He tells me about his and Alice’s flight from the hospital, in an old Morris Minor with red leather seats.

‘You and Alice slept in the back seat the whole way, and you woke up just as we arrived at the beach for sunrise. In spite of all the heartbreak, it felt like a new beginning. Like we’d been given a second chance.’

I learn on this journey how Rick was, to all intents, my father for a short while; Rick, Alice and me, a team of three.

‘You and I spent a lot of time together in the first few weeks. I wanted Alice to have the space to grieve and so I’d take you out wrapped up in a shawl and tied to my chest. We’d walk for hours along the beach and over the marshes, and when wegot back, Alice’s face would be red from crying, but she always made a point of smiling for you. She never cried in front of you; she said she wanted you to only know love and happiness. I’m not sure how she managed it.’

‘Poor Alice.’

‘She never got over it. A love like theirs is a rare thing. They weren’t just lovers, they were connected on a much deeper level. For one thing they’d both survived abusive childhoods and they held each other up. Together they were strong, but without Jake, Alice couldn’t function. I asked her to marry me once; I thought it was the solution after he died. But she wouldn’t have it. She’s never loved anyone except Jake. I don’t think she ever will.’

‘Did you have to give me up?’

I see the way Rick tightens his grip on the steering wheel. I understand that the question hurts him in the same way it hurts me.

‘Perhaps not. Perhaps we could have found a way through. It was a decision that wrecked her life. Even more than losing Jake, I think. She closed off, lost her character, became someone else. I kept thinking she’d recover, but she never did.’

We are silent for a long time after this.

It’s Rick who speaks first.

‘You look just like Jake, same voice, mannerisms, everything. It’s almost unbearable at times, even for me.’

‘You think I remind Alice of him?’

‘I know you do. She told me she cried herself to sleep the dayyou first met. So happy to find you, so devastated all over again that she’d lost him.’

‘Why did she get so obsessed with Samuel?’

‘Because he’s exactly like you. It was hard for me too, seeing Samuel the first time, don’t you remember? It was like we’d got our baby back. Alice hasn’t been very well these past years – that’s obvious, isn’t it? And I think she used to disappear into a fantasy world when she was looking after Samuel. In her mind, she allowed Samuel to become you, the baby she’d lost. She didn’t mean any harm. It was the escape of a rather sad and heartbroken woman. But she went rapidly downhill when you stopped her seeing him. She was talking about Southwold all the time, the months we had there, the things we used to do, and I just wish I’d realised where it was all heading. She was fixated on saying goodbye to the baby.’

‘And did she call him Samuel?’

Rick turns his head to look at me for a second.

‘Nope.’

---