Page 69 of Days You Were Mine

He orders two espressos without consulting me about my choice and we carry them through to a little courtyard at the back. Rick, who has always been warm, welcoming,fun, is none of these things. It’s unnerving, this cool and silent scrutiny; he’s not going to make it easy for me.

‘I suppose I should tell you why I’m here,’ I say, and Rick just nods and takes a small sip of his espresso.

It’s hard to begin with, to enunciate the interior chaos, the slow and steady collapsing of my world, but once I’ve started, I find I cannot stop.

‘Things aren’t going well with Alice.’

‘Tell me about it,’ Rick says, voice heavy with sarcasm.

‘We grow more distant from each other every day. I don’t even feel like she’s an au pair any more; she’s become a complete stranger. And it hurts me that she cares so much more about Samuel than about me. I don’t seem to interest her at all.’

‘I’ll stop you there, shall I? Can you actually remember what you said to her the day you came back pissed and tried to have a fight over Samuel?’

A small nugget of unease that has been lodged in my gut ever since that day flares up. I’m dizzy with dread.

‘No? Well, you reminded her that she had no claim on your child since she’d given her own away.’

‘Fuck.’

I don’t bother to hide the fact that I’m crying, tears that tip down my cheeks, and I couldn’t care less.

‘She didn’t give you away. She gave you up. With good reason. Can you really not tell the difference?’

‘You’re angry with me.’

Rick shakes his head.

‘More worried than angry. Why do I feel like this whole thing is about to blow up in our faces?’

‘I didn’t mean to hurt Alice. I lashed out because she’s hurting me with her indifference. Isn’t it obvious?’

‘I warned you about this. But you rushed in, you and Hannah, like a couple of bulls in a china shop. No thought for what might happen if it didn’t work out. You’re bloody idiots, the pair of you.’

‘I’m not sure how to patch things up with her.’

‘You could try saying sorry. That usually works.’

‘I’m not sorry. I’m angry.’

‘With us for giving you up?’

Rick’s voice has softened, his eyes too. There’s the gleam of tears, a crack in his voice.

‘For that, yes, and for the fact that neither of you will ever tell me about the weeks when we were together. Where did we live? What did we do? Where are the photos from that time? You’re my father, for God’s sake. Why won’t you tell me these things?’

I glance up and catch a look of shame or guilt or fear on Rick’s face, I’m not sure which. And suddenly I know, with absolute certainty, that Elizabeth is right.

‘You’re not my father. Are you?’

‘I’m on your birth certificate, aren’t I?’

‘That’s not what I asked. You’ve been lying to me all along. Why would you do that?’

The rage is back. I slam my hand down on the table and my little espresso cup rattles in its saucer.

‘Do you think we’re trying to deceive you? Or protect you?’

‘I need to know the truth. I need to know who I am. Is that so hard to understand? Are you my father? It’s a simple answer, Rick. Yes? Or no?’

---