Page 13 of Fake It 'Til You Sleigh It

A chorus of agreement rises from the fan collective.

“Ethan’s never had a serious girlfriend before, at least not one he’s told us about.” She winks at Ethan, and I swear I see him blush.

Put on the spot, I fumble for a response. “Yeah, we wanted to keep things secret until we knew it was serious.”

“And how long have you and Ethan been dating?”

“Four months,” I say confidently, just as Ethan says, “A couple weeks.”

For the love of…

Gail’s smirk widens. “Fascinating,” she muses, “because you’re nothing like the dream girl he described in his last interview.What was it again, Ethan? A hot yoga instructor who loves rescuing kittens and white water rafting.”

My heart is doing backflips in my chest.How am I supposed to make this human lie detector believe I’m smitten with this jackass?Five seconds ago, I was ready to chuck my shoe at him.

Come on, get a grip.You’ve written approximately eleventy billion of these scenes. I frantically run through my mental archive of every rom-com I’ve created.

Gaze lovingly into his eyes?

Ha!I’d rather make prolonged eye contact with the camera during an awkward sex scene.

Snuggle up to him?

Hell no! I’d rather freeze my tits off cuddling a life-size Ethan ice sculpture.

Maybe a cutesy nickname?

Snookums? Honeybear? I’d sooner call him“Fuckboy McDreamy.”

I’ve got nothing.

What would his typical airhead dream girl do? Probably laugh at his jokes and compliment him relentlessly. “Oh, Ethan, your muscles look particularly bulgy today, especially the bulge in your pants.”

Gross. Fuck no.

In my movies, couples bond over something quirky and cute. But Ethan and I? The only thing we share is our mutual disdain for each other. Why is this so hard? I’ve written a dozen screenplays about fake relationships!

Screw it. If I can’t be the dream girl, I’ll be… whatever the hell I am.

I force a laugh. “You know how it is. Sometimes love jumps up and bites you like a venomous spider. Next thing you know, you’re mating and the female bites the man’s head off.”

Ethan breaks the awkward silence with a pity chuckle and says, “She’s a writer, this one, always making jokes.”

“Aren’t jokes supposed to be funny?” Gail quips.

Time to change the subject before I bite Gail’s head off.I address the crowd. “You’re all going to love Ethan inFa La La Love. He sings in it.”

“The viewing party is already on the calendar,” Gail says. “We see everything Ethan stars in because he’s a true leading man.” Her eyes narrow even further(if that’s possible). “I just hope you’re ready for the attention that comes with dating Ethan. His fans can be quite… passionate.”

What the hell is with this lady?I’ve faced down studio execs with god complexes and actors who think their hair is the center of the universe.Sorry, Gail. You don’t intimidate me.

“I can handle it,” I say, wrapping my arms around Ethan’s and ignoring how unexpectedly nice his bicep feels. “In fact, why don’t you keep an eye on Ethan’s social media? You’ll get all the spicy details about our romantic getaway to Florida.”

Ethan nods, a beat too late. “Yeah, it’s gonna be… great.”

Her smile is all teeth, no warmth. “We’ll be watching alright. Very, very closely.”

Gail and I lock eyes in a battle of wills. It’s all arched eyebrows and razor-sharp smiles, a silent showdown of “bring it” and “game on.” May the best badass woman win.

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