Page 34 of Fake It 'Til You Sleigh It

Nolan, in his soft-spoken way, adds, “We’ve sold six so far.”

Only six?! Oh fuck. We’re screwed.I edge close to Ethan, whispering urgently, “This fake relationship is not going to save our jobs.”

But Ethan, the optimist(or as I prefer to call him, the delusionist),is supremely confident. “I’m not worried. I had a revelation last night.”

“Care to share? What’s with the jar?”

Instead of answering, he whips out his phone and starts filming a live video.Oh no. No, no, no.

“Good morning, Ethan Addicts! Check out this awesome shirt my brother made. You can get it on my mom’s Etsy store, Darla’s Craft and Joy.”

Darla pops into the frame, brash as ever. “Hey ladies, free shipping and guaranteed delivery before Christmas! And if you order in the next hour, we’ll throw in a lock of Ethan’s hair!”

She snips a piece of his hair from the back and holds it up to the camera.I’m pretty sure this is how cults are born.

Ethan swings the camera towards me. “Sweetie, tell everyone what you love most about the Chathan design.”

I freeze like… like that animal… the one that freezes in headlights. Only I’m not cold. I’m very sweaty and uncomfortable. “Oh, the drawing is very… colorful.”Nailed it.

But he’s not done torturing me. He faces the camera to himself. “The term Chathan. You came up with that name, right?

“S-S-Sure did,” I stutter… Is it possible to die from embarrassment? “But your brother Nolan gets all the credit. He drew this… not me!”

Ethan, apparently hellbent on my complete humiliation, starts another subject. “So last night, this girl—my girl—got stucktrying to squeeze into a Christmas sweater three sizes too small. She had it halfway on, and she looked like a human corndog, half-dipped in batter—her arms were sticking out like the wooden stick. It was hilarious, right, babe?”

He laughs and turns the camera onto a non-laughing me. I quickly fake smile, fake laugh, and “real” push the camera back to him.

“And that gave me a great idea,” he continues. “After I got her out of her sweater and enjoyed some boob-squeezing thank-yous, I came up with this.”

I barely stop myself from crawling under a nearby display of alligator-shaped wind chimes.

He holds up the jar Nolan brought over. “This is what I’m calling the10 Days of Holiday Dares. Some are nice, most are naughty. And if you wanna see Chase and me do all ten, you gotta help us out.”

Oh shit. What fresh torture is this?

“We’re aiming for a million new subscribers to the Cherish Channel by Christmas in support of our new movie,Fa La La Love,” Ethan explains. “What’s our number up to today, sweet cheeks?”

I check my phone. “Fifty thousand.”

“If we all work together, we can double it by the end of the day. If we do, Chase and I will—”

He motions for me to pull out a slip of paper from the jar. Darla, ever the encouraging mother, provides a drumroll sound effect.

I reach into the jar, feeling like I’m fishing for my own doom. Plucking out a green slip of paper, I read it cautiously, “Do a polar plunge.”

Ethan grins wickedly. “Sweetie, you did say it ain’t Christmas without the cold.”

“I regret saying that now,” I quip.

“You’ve got six hours, Ethan Addicts!” he announces to the camera. “Tell your friends to subscribe! C’mon, who doesn’t love the Cherish Channel? And if we reach our goal of fifty thousand new subs, I’ll do the plunge in my Santa Speedo.”

He winks at the camera in a way that probably just impregnated half his viewership.

That’s his plan?! A Speedo?! And now this attention-obsessed monster wants to freeze my lady bits off. What the fuck have I done?

***

If this is thelife of an actor, you can shove that candy cane right up Santa’s chimney.

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