Page 107 of Fake It 'Til You Sleigh It

“These ornaments have been selling like hotcakes!” Darla gushes. “I featured them in the Chathan fan club newsletter so all the followers can snag ’em for Christmas in July!”

After the stage incident, the Ethan Addicts website got shut down faster than you can say “creepy stalker vibes.” Nolan stepped up and created a new Chathan fan page, which Darla runs as the club president. And let’s be honest, makes perfect sense—nobody’s a number-one fan like Darla.

Thanks to her restraining order, we never saw Gail again. But rumor has it she’s knee-deep in her new gig—posting toilet selfies for King of Thrones, a porta-potty company, where she’s now their social media coordinator. She keeps trying to get #FlushGoals trending, but online pranksters just won’t have it, flooding the comments with #kingofcaca and #nofloaters.

Darla reaches into her Mary Poppins tote bag and pulls out… the infamous SpongeBob sheets. “Oh, and I brought these like you asked,” she says, beaming.

I hold up the bed linens, staring into Squidward’s giant nose. “Why, hello old friend. We meet again.”

I tuck SpongeBob and the gang back into the bag—a surprise for Ethan later. Now that’s what I call getting freaky in the sheets. It’s our six-month anniversary, so I wanted to make tonight extra spicy. I can already picture my man’s grin when he gets into bed.

“Well, you’re early for your scene,” I tell Darla, trying to maintain a little control over my set. “We have you scheduled for hair and makeup after lunch. Then we’ll film your cameos.”

Darla pulls out a tube of lipstick so bright it could double as a road flare. “No need, hun. I brought my own,” she gushes. “It’s hard to get this flamingo color perfect.”

I spot Doug and Nolan standing next to Ethan over by the monitors. “Hey, everyone, let’s take five!” I announce.

Ethan shouts, “No, no, no. We are not taking a break! Everyone stay on set.”

I roll my eyes. “Ethan, it’s five minutes. Geez, why are you always riding me so hard?” I throw him a smirk that promises all sorts of fun later.

He concedes. “Okay, everyone. Five minutes.”

I rush over to Doug, giving him a welcoming embrace. He’s in his classic Florida dad getup—cargo shorts, a Hawaiian shirt with gators, and sandals with socks. Gotta hand it to him… He’s committed to hislook.

“Aren’t you as lovely as ever, darlin’?” Doug says, his eyes twinkling. “I hope my boy is being good to you.”

I can’t resist. “No, your son is being downright awful. You wouldn’t believe what a bossy director he is.”

Ethan jumps in, defending himself. “Just giving my girlfriend some tough love. Chase keeps having trouble memorizing her lines.”

“Eh, that’s what improv is for,” I say. “Besides, the words are your interpretation of what happened. I know the actual story.”

Nolan laughs nervously. “I know too much of the story. All those suggestive sounds coming through the wall—the only way I could sleep was to wear noise-canceling headphones.”

Taylor, assistant and keeper of the Tums, approaches our pow-wow. She hands the bottle to Ethan then says, “Lunch arrived if you want to break early.”

“Sure,” I say, at the same time Ethan says, “No, definitely not.”

She glances between us, looking confused. “Sooooo…” she starts, but her eyes fly open. “ALLIGATOR!”

She leaps into Nolan’s arms, clinging to him as if he’s rescuing her from hot lava.

Doug, the alligator whisperer extraordinaire, grins and says, “Don’t worry, darlin’. This here’s Bubbles. He’s harmless.” He scoops up the reptile, who’s sporting an “Emotional Support Alligator” sweater.

I pet Bubbles, scratching under his chin like he’s a scaly puppy. “It’s best not to show fear,” I advise sagely. “And always keep a dead frog on hand for emergencies.”

Clearing her throat, Taylor hops down from Nolan’s arms, looking sheepish. I notice Nolan’s expression change, a flirty smile creeping across his face as she smiles back.

Oh ho, ho, ho… what do we have here?

“By the way, these are Ethan’s parents, Doug and Darla, and that’s his twin brother, Nolan,” I say, playing matchmaker. “Nolan, this is Taylor—our amazing and incredibly single assistant.”

I watch her blush, and I swear I can hear the Cherish Channel executives furiously scribbling notes for their next movie.

Ethan pops a few Tums, a subtle reminder it’s time to get things back on track. If his stomach takes any more abuse, he’ll be of no use to me tonight. And ya girl’s got plans.

“Everyone back to one!” I yell, not bothering with the bullhorn. I’ve perfected thatdon’t-mess-with-metone. The crewsnaps back into position. “This shot happens now, or we work through lunch. Let’s move.”

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