Page 466 of The Sinner: James

“Nothing,” I say, my eyes meeting hers. “I mean nothing that I know of,” I add sarcastically, pulling my gaze away from her again.

“I’m not talking about him,” she says, her eyebrows knitted into a frown.

I lift my gaze.

“What are you talking about then?”

She searches my eyes for a few moments.

“You’ve never been like that, Rain.”

“Like what?” I blurt, my voice drenched in frustration.

A couple nears us, the man and woman smiling, talking to each other.

Eve pulls me farther away.

We find a bench behind a bunch of trees when she motions me to sit.

Delicately, I run my hand over my red voile skirt and take a seat.

“You’ve never been so needy,” she says without the slightest introduction, giving me a pointed look.

I set my glass next to me on the bench and lean back in my seat. Her eyes don’t leave my face.

I take a long breath before pushing out a sigh.

“Is it obvious?”

“Yeah... Of course, it is. And it’s not how it looks. It’s that you’ve been tormenting yourself since he started to travel.”

“It’s been months and months.”

“It’s the reality.”

“I know. But I hate it as much as I hate everybody trying to comfort me by telling me he’ll be back at some point. I know that. And I’m okay with it. And I hate myself for feeling this way, but I can’t stop it. I don’t know why. I really have no idea. All I know is that I feel horrible every moment I’m away from him. And every piece of news I get from him throws me into a frenzy. I don’t remember being like that if that’s any consolation.”

“No, it’s not.”

“And then, there are the moments like the ones I spent with Thea this week,” I continue, barely noticing her words. “I helped her get used to Ed’s home, and then we went shopping and had lunch at a restaurant downtown. She talked about the baby and Ed. We talked about our homes for the millionth time and how we imagined our lives. She told me how hard it was for her to be away from him and how happy she was now that she was here with him. It made me feel so good to realize I wasn’t the only one who longed for her man. We even browsed a couple of shops, looking for children’s stuff. Toys, clothing, and furniture. Crap like that,” I say, smiling and laughing, my eyes flooded with tears at the same time.

She’s right.

I’ve never been so emotional.

She brings her hand to my shoulder and strokes me softly while I tip my gaze down and brush away a tear.

“I don’t know what to say...” she murmurs. “I’m way behind you in this ‘love and living your life’ thing, and I completely lack the necessary experience or wisdom to help you, but you must be going through one of those soul-searching, emotional journeys that women sometimes go through.”

“That’s what she said.”

“See.”

“But it’s not only that...” I say as I get a flashback of my last weekend with James. “It’s also him,” I murmur, my gaze going back to Eve, although it’s the images of James and me in front of my eyes. “I don’t know how to explain it, but every time I’m with him, the storm dies out. And every time he is away from me, I die inside. And then there is something in how he touches and makes love to me. Kisses me and reads every bit of emotion flickering through my eyes. The way he shifts my mood with a single word, a smile, or a small gesture. Sometimes with a kiss. There are no walls between us, no obstacles, nothing to hold me back. When he wants me, he pulls me into him and breathes me in, and it feels great. It’s sheer magic. I’m happy, optimistic, and start to dream about stuff, and then, when he leaves, it’s like he scoops my heart out and leaves me empty.”

Her eyes glimmer in the dimness as her chin begins to tremble.

A smile creases her lips.

---