Page 459 of The Sinner: James

“I didn’t want to choose between the two of you...” she finally says. “Although in many ways I did,” she continues. “And in the end, I did wrong by both of you. When I left, I told myself you’d be okay living with your father, and in a way, you were. I knew you’d have everything you needed. Had I taken you with me, you would’ve hated me for moving you away from your home and your friends. With Tiago, I tried to overcompensate for everything. For leaving you behind, raising him without a father, and having two failed marriages. I tried to kill my guilt as much as I could, but I’m not so sure it worked. Judging by how he acted out, Tiago had held me responsible for everything that happened. Once he understood reality better, his hatred faded somewhat, but his anger stayed the same. No matter what I did, I couldn’t fix that for him. I wanted him to be happy, but it wasn’t in my power to make that happen.”

She pauses, his eyes glinting with emotions.

“If he’s still alive, he needs someone other than me to anchor him and show him that life can be different even when you’re hurt. So yes, there is more to the story, and asking you to help him has to do with more than finding him.”

She peels her gaze away from me and gets busy with her phone, sweeping it off the table and tucking it into her purse.

Her eyes evade mine, her jaw locked as she pushes her emotions back.

I study her while she stares blankly at the table.

“How do you think he’ll react when he finds out about me?” I ask. “If anything, the news will fuel his resentment toward you. First of all, because you lied to him–– through omission, of course, but it’s still a lie–– and then, because he’d think you were weak. If he has the slightest trust in you, he’ll lose it immediately.”

She shakes her head in response.

“I’ve thought about it, but this is not only about me. I can’t change his perception of me. That will only happen if he learns more about life and people in general. If he looks up to someone else. And there’s no better person to look up to than you.”

This time, she finds enough strength in her to hold my gaze.

“I need all the information that you have on him. Any contacts, women, addresses. Everything. It will speed up the process,” I say.

“Okay.”

She pivots in her seat and pulls out an envelope from her purse.

“Everything I have is in there,” she says, sliding it onto the table before typing something on her phone.

A sound notification comes from my cell.

“I sent you a file with more pictures of him.”

“Where are you staying tonight?” I ask, snatching my phone and sliding it into my pocket.

“I booked a hotel room. I’ll fly home tomorrow morning.”

“Okay,” I say, rising to my feet.

She pushes her chair back and rises.

“I wish we could’ve reconnected under better circumstances,” she says quietly.

“Me, too.”

With that, I walk her to the door.

“I’ll see you tomorrow morning,” I say.

She nods goodbye before spinning around and walking away.

3

JAMES

Sunk in thought,I fix myself a drink and walk onto the patio.

Later, I slide into a chair, take a cigarette from the pack, light it, and fish out my phone.

I pull it closer to me.

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